Off-Kilter

Bullied Landmark Du Jour: When it comes to wreaking havoc on New York City, four out of five monsters surveyed recommend attacking the Empire State Building. Just ask any oversized ape (“King Kong”) or space alien (“Independence Day”).

So how come in “Godzilla” and “Armageddon,” the Chrysler Building is suddenly taking the fall? (It also served as Howard Stern’s fig leaf in movie posters for last year’s “Private Parts.”)

Coincidence? Or has Chrysler figured out a new method of movie product placement?

Quote of the Day: From Elliott Gould, when asked to name one of his worst jobs: “As you know, I was once married to Barbra Streisand.”

Gorilla Warfare: Note to Hillary Clinton: Your husband’s problems have nothing to do with any “vast right-wing conspiracy.” They were actually masterminded by a cunning cabal of apes whose goal was to divert media attention from an imminent worldwide animal revolt.

For many months, Off-Kilter has tried to warn everyone of the disturbing pattern: dogs shooting their owners with guns in Europe, baboons raiding hospitals in Africa and Malaysia, butt-biting monkeys attacking humans in Japan, alligators invading hotel bathtubs, radioactive pigeons in Britain and snow monkeys burglarizing reporters’ hotel rooms at the Winter Olympics.

But nobody listened. Now, according to KCBS-TV Channel 2 news, the uprising has officially spread to U.S. shores. The animal equivalent of Pearl Harbor took place last weekend in West Covina, where a 150-pound chimp soldier went on the rampage, biting humans and denting a police car.

We also have reason to believe that animals are manipulating the stock markets in Asia. Where will they strike next? Nobody seems to know, but it might be a good idea to beef up security at the Empire State Building.

Stepford City?: We don’t know what they’re putting in the drinking water in Lincoln, Neb., but when one of our college friends recently visited the city, he noticed that nobody left their shopping carts in grocery-store parking lots. Instead, after taking their food out to the car, all customers politely pushed their carts back to the store’s main corral.

They also probably don’t shoot at each other on freeways or talk during movies. What a bunch of freaks.

Alarming Trends Department: A bar in Canada says it has come up with an exciting new drinking trend. Instead of serving cocktails with olives or onions, it uses pickled human toes. The Downtown Hotel in Dawson City keeps the former toes of frostbite victims under lock and key for use in its special whiskey concoctions. Customers aren’t allowed to keep the floating phalanges, which are recycled for future drinks. The cocktails are rare now, but they’ll be common after animals take over the world.

Strange Crusades Bureau: A 76-year-old Pennsylvania man has launched a letter-writing campaign to make marbles an Olympic sport.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “False Teeth Can Help You Live Longer!” (Weekly World News)

* Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Unpaid Informants: Martin Miller, Entertainment Weekly, KROQ-FM (106.7), Dean McCleskey, Wireless Flash News Service