Punch Lines
Information, please!: Pacific Bell wants to charge us $1.10 any time we call 411. “But the good news is that 911 will have extra people on hand when they start mailing out our phone bills.” (Andrew Wisot)
Squeaky Sequel: The studio that came out with “The Avengers” reportedly has decided against a sequel to the critical bomb. “Of course, if they went ahead with it, they’d have to call the next one ‘The Revengers.’ ” (Wisot)
Oh, Martha: The Los Angeles Department of Water and Power has unveiled a new pollution-free electric leaf blower to replace the banned gasoline-powered models. “The new blower, dubbed by gardeners ‘The Martha Stewart,’ not only gathers the leaves but arranges them according to color and dries them for later use in attractive centerpieces.” (Bob Mills)
Straight Man: What do you call a comedian on Viagra? “A real stand-up.” (Drew Williams)
Objets de Lust: In a Playboy magazine interview, Geraldo Rivera called Barbara Walters “a sexy babe.” “But then again, he also called Sam Donaldson ‘a hunky Vulcan.’ ” (Chris Pino)
Very Punny: H.J. Heinz has announced the launch of a new corporate Web site. As one company spokesperson put it, “We were behind other food processing companies in the race to cyberspace, but the new site allows us to ketchup.” (Ira Lawson)
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To Do List:
Top 10 Bill Clinton Vacation Activities at Martha’s Vineyard (submitted by Joe Hurley)
10. Review the latest “barking points” with first dog Buddy.
9. A round of darts with Ken Starr’s picture as the target.
8. Dine on local restaurant special: roast crow.
7. Invite Carly Simon over to sing “You’re So Vain.”
6. Call a news conference--dream on, Sam Donaldson.
5. Trip to Chappaquiddick for “things could be worse” feeling.
4. Visit local gift shops to return last year’s purchases.
3. Rent the movie “The Jerk,” starring Steve Martin.
2. Call Vernon Jordan to see whether spot at Revlon is still open.
1. Munch on Hillary’s fresh-baked cookies.
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