Doggin’ the Wags on Larry King

It gets to you after a while, all this wild guessing on TV about President Clinton, Monica Lewinsky and Kenneth Starr, a case of conjecture based on speculation evolving into common wisdom through repeated exposure.

But still, I find myself falling into the same trap.

“I wonder who Larry King has on CNN tonight,” I said to my wife Tuesday morning.

“I’m betting Wolf Blitzer,” she said.

“Fifty-fifty it’s Oliver North,” I said.

“If Larry does have on Oliver North, what do you think he’ll say?” she asked.

“Probably that the president should resign,” I answered.

“I suppose Wolf will quote White House sources saying Clinton refuses to resign.”

“Unless Wolf is busy covering a top story.”

“Or appearing on another talk show.”

“What if Larry has on Jesse Jackson, who says the president shouldn’t resign?”

“I’m thinking it’s James Carville who says the president shouldn’t resign.”

“I’m betting Larry will have on Bay Buchanan to challenge Carville on that.”

“Get outta here. If he does that, don’t you think Larry will have on Gerry Spence to rebut Bay?”

“Uh oh. Bad for Bay. But what if Ollie doesn’t call for Clinton’s resignation?”

“That’s always a possibility. But if Ollie doesn’t come through--and I’m thinking 50-50 he will or won’t--I’m saying Larry brings on Pat Buchanan to demand Clinton’s resignation. No question about it.”

“Bill Press will have something to say about that.”

“The obvious choice to rebut Pat, you mean. But if Press gets too testy, I’m betting Ollie will take him down a few pegs.”

“And risk getting crossed by F. Lee Bailey?”

“The obvious choice to take Ollie down a few pegs, you mean.”

“Unless it’s Alan Dershowitz.”

“Who naturally will be asked if there are constitutional grounds to impeach Clinton.”

“Unless Greta Van Susteren is asked.”

“Or both are asked.”

“Or a bunch of former federal prosecutors are asked.”

“I say it’s 60-40 Larry asks law professors who once worked for special prosecutors.”

“Or defense attorneys who did.”

“If none of them thinks there’s a shot for impeachment, you have to believe that Larry will have on a Sudanese spokesman to attack Clinton, just to keep things interesting.”

“An excellent choice. But then I say he has on an Israeli spokesman to take the Sudanese spokesman down a few pegs.”

“I say a Clinton loyalist like Lanny Davis takes on the Sudanese spokesman.”

“Oh, please. If he does that, he opens the door to Larry having on Dustin Hoffman to talk about his movie ‘Wag the Dog.’ ”

“If Hoffman is that foolish, he deserves what Larry does next.”

“So you really think Larry would bring on Siskel and Ebert to rip Hoffman for ‘Ishtar’?”

“He’d have to, or else Larry would have the critics on his tail for being soft.”

“Forcing Wolf Blitzer to quote White House sources supporting Larry.”

“Which would have Larry’s critics spreading rumors that he’d committed sexual indiscretions himself.”

“Guilt by association.”

“Forcing Larry to address the nation.”

“Launching an airwaves strike.”

“Which gets attacked by CNN’s competitors, MSNBC and the Fox News Channel, for its curious timing.”

“And lack of contrition.”

“Weakening ‘Larry King Live’ irrevocably.”

“So that even his closest colleagues at CNN start grumbling about betrayal.”

“Forcing CNN to make a difficult decision about whether to keep Larry.”

“Options for Larry?”

“Only one.”

“He does a ‘Larry King Live’ speculating about his own future.”

“With Ross Perot.”

“Johnny Cochran.”

“I say Charlton Heston.”

“And Roseanne.”

“All because of Monica Lewinsky.”

“Won’t tonight’s show be great?”

“I can hardly wait.”