Off-Kilter

Antibacterial Baby Boomers Department: Mr. Clean is officially middle-aged. The Yul Brynner look-alike celebrated his 40th birthday this month in a low-key ceremony attended by the Ajax white knight, Madge the Palmolive lady and the Man From Glad.

Born in Chicago, Clean has never married, although his corporate slave masters at Procter & Gamble insist that his famous earring doesn’t mean he’s gay (it is, after all, in his left ear). Rather, the Rogaine-free mascot is modeled after the look of a rugged sailor.

Other Mr. Clean trivia: He’s 6-foot-3, his full name is Mr. Veritably Clean, and in Spain and Portugal he’s known as Don Limpio.

The 110 Commandments: In an effort to improve the moral character of its students, New York’s Hamilton College will distribute copies of George Washington’s “Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour” to all incoming freshmen. The dead president’s 110 commandments include such gems as “Cleanse not your teeth with the tablecloth, napkin, fork or knife” and “Bedew no man’s face with your spittle by approaching too near him when you speak.”

The wig-wearing Founding Father also suggests, “Sleep not when others speak,” and avoid scratching, coughing and nose-blowing at the dinner table.

Some of his advice seems tailor-made for our current president. For example, Rule 109 urges: “Let your recreations be manful, not sinful.” And Rule 51’s “Wear not your clothes foul, ripped or dusty” could easily be modified to cover blue dresses about to be subpoenaed by a special prosecutor.

Lying Through His Wooden Teeth: If you think George Washington was a pillar of integrity, prepare to be disillusioned. Off-Kilter has just uncovered shocking proof that the first president was almost impeached in 1794 over an alleged tree-chopping incident from his childhood. After months of vehement denials, he finally delivered a secret speech to Congress in which he admitted to “an inappropriate encounter with the cherry tree.”

Washington also acknowledged that he “misled people, even my father,” but he blamed his troubles on “a vast Whig conspiracy” and refused to allow DNA testing of a sap sample on his ax blade.

Fantasy Musicians Department: The third annual World Air Guitar Championship takes place Friday in Oulu, Finland. Organizers are asking everyone on the planet to strum a make-believe guitar in the name of world peace for 30 minutes beginning at 2 p.m. Pacific Daylight Time that day.

Icons of the 1990s Department: A survey of U.S. schoolchildren found that 96% could identify Ronald McDonald, making him second only to Santa Claus among fictional characters. According to Rolling Stone magazine, the golden arches of McDonald’s are now more recognized than the Christian cross.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “New Breed of Flesh-Eating Gopher Snacks on Dogs, Deer and Even Small Humans!” (Weekly World News)

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Ann Harrison, Martin Miller, Colors magazine, https://www.mrclean.com, Olympia Daily World