Cameron Diaz Calls to Collect

Diazed and Confused, Part II: We are never going to trust this column again. Just the other day, for example, we relayed a report that Cameron Diaz was so tired of the media that she no longer reads newspapers. Thus, we assumed it was safe to add that The Times had randomly selected her as the winner of its “once-a-century sweepstakes,” in which a lucky citizen gets $40 million if she spots her name in the paper and calls in. We even boldly offered to throw in dinner with Off-Kilter (a $10 value). “Too bad she won’t see this,” we wrote.

A phone message was received: “Hi Roy, I see here that my name is listed for $40-million winnings. Just calling for collection. I’ve got my lawyer here with me. This is Cameron Diaz, by the way. Thank God today I picked up the newspaper. Anyhow, my lawyer Marcy Morris would be happy to set up negotiations. Actually, no negotiations, just $40 million upfront. And I also want the Off-Kilter dinner for the $10 value. . . . “

We tried to get our mind to drift to thoughts of a romantic $10 dinner, but instead we saw visions of the next day’s headlines (“Times Mirror Stock Falls 35 Points on Rumors of Multimillion-Dollar Payout for Columnist’s Prank”) and our next paycheck (“deduction for miscellaneous expenses: $40 million”).

Fortunately, colleagues from as far away as Chicago began offering cash just to hear Diaz’s message on our voicemail.

So if you’re reading this, Cameron, we now have the 40 million. Honest. We’ll hand it over at dinner.

Yuletide Spirit Bureau: Now that Thanksgiving has passed, many of you are probably wondering, “What can we get Off-Kilter for Christmas?” Normally, we’d politely decline such offers, but in light of the “Diaz situation,” we will humbly accept the following tokens of your appreciation, which can be found in the “Robb Report Ultimate Gift Guide”:

* A custom-made, diamond-studded pen, $500,000. If you’re on a budget and can’t afford that, we understand. The custom gold pen for $100,000 is perfectly acceptable.

* A $12,000, one-year membership in a tea-of-the-month club that sends shipments of exotic blends worth up to $2,500 a pound.

* A $600,000 “home-theater make-over” by a company that re-creates a Tuscan village complete with cobblestone streets, bistro and 25-seat theater.

We are touched by your generosity.

Year 2000 Conundrum: Why does Bloomingdale’s Millennium 2000 Countdown Clock--which displays the exact number of days, hours, minutes and seconds until the year 2000--come with a three-year warranty? What does the clock do for the extra two years?

Celebrity Tannenbaum Bureau: Actor David Hasselhoff of “Baywatch” has announced plans to decorate his Christmas tree with bottles of suntan lotion, beach sandals and well-tanned Ken dolls.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Mechanical Shark Goes Haywire and Eats Two Tourists at Theme Park!” (Weekly World News)

Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: Susanna Timmons, Eric Slater, Wireless Flash News Service, Consumer Reports magazine. Off-Kilter is published Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.