Laugh Lines

Hoop Scoop: With the current labor strike continuing, the NBA has canceled the All-Star Game. “However, the players will hold an impromptu slam-dunk competition with a trash can and all the crumpled-up new proposals they’ve rejected.” (Joshua Sostrin)

The More Things Change: South African archeologists have unearthed the skeleton of an ape-man thought to be 3.6 million years old--the oldest such discovery in history. “The researchers aren’t quite sure how he died, but they have suspicions. They found the fossilized remains of an HMO card in his hand.” (Sostrin)

Jerry’s Kids: “I wanted to drop a few pounds, but let’s face it, losing weight over the holiday is harder than finding a guest with a full set of teeth on the ‘Jerry Springer Show.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

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David Letterman’s Shocking Facts About Furbies

7. The “fur” is actually hair from Brooke Shields’ electrolysis.

6. Furbies test better on SATs than the average New York City high school student.

5. “Furby” spelled backward is “Murder”!

4. If you point a garage-door opener at a Furby, it will vomit blood.

3. Astronomers have discovered an enormous stone Furby on Mars.

2. More interesting than shocking--Furbies hate playing golf but love watching it on TV.

1. When you leave the room, they hunt around for your credit card number and radio it back to headquarters.

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