An Order of Fame, Fans on the Side

Anti-Tinseltown: The theory behind the new Tinseltown Studios restaurant in Anaheim is that people will pay gobs of cash to experience life as a Hollywood celebrity.

For $45 each, customers get swarmed at the door by fake fans seeking autographs and pseudo-paparazzi snapping pictures. A few patrons are also recruited to star in computer-altered movie clips alongside real actors as part of a phony awards show that takes place during dinner.

It’s an interesting concept but not very realistic. That’s why Off-Kilter is opening a competing restaurant called Paparazzi Town. It has everything Tinseltown does, except our fame experience continues after your meal ends. For example, some patrons will be arrested on the way home for “drunk driving” and spend several months in a real jail cell or rehab clinic.

Others will be stalked for weeks by mentally deranged fans who rummage through their trash and peep through their windows.

Or, for people who don’t like star treatment, we’re opening Brawl Town, a saloon where guests are thrown out through breakaway glass windows after being in a staged fight in which they’re bashed over the head with plastic foam chairs and other harmless props.

Bizarre Bibles Bureau: The nation that brought us the King James Bible has now introduced “The Tabloid Bible,” a Good Book rewritten in the style of a saucy London newspaper. Author Nick Page says the aim is to retell God’s message in a language that young people can understand. For example:

* The story of Jesus feeding the multitudes is headlined, “5,000 fed with loaves and fishes. Miracle? Or just very thinly sliced?”

* The Resurrection is recast as “You can’t keep a good man down!”

* The Egyptian edict to kill all infant boys is now: “Pharaoh issues tough new population policy.”

* In the tabloid Genesis, Eve is described as curvier than Adam, with less upper body hair and “more storage space.” And the book’s most infamous city is laid to waste in “Here today and gone Gomorrah!”

Weird Ad Slogans Department: From a Shelton’s poultry truck: “Our chickens don’t do drugs.”

Celluloid Chatter Bureau: What is the most famous line ever spoken in a movie? According to a British panel of experts, it’s Sean Connery’s “Bond, James Bond” from “Dr. No.” Other quotes that made the top 10 list, which was compiled for the Guinness Book of Film, include Humphrey Bogart’s “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine” (from “Casablanca”), Clark Gable’s “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” (from “Gone With the Wind”) and Groucho Marx’s “I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Expert Finds Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse . . . a Gay Man Who Rides Sidesaddle Like a Girl!” (Weekly World News)

Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: Duncan Lordsburg, Ottawa Citizen, London Times, https://www.ship-of-fools.com, Wireless Flash News, https://us.imdb.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.