Red Sequins Ready, but Where’s the Party?

There was a message on my answering machine: “We’re having a few people over for the holidays and we’d love you to come. Dress informally.”

Dress informally? Does anybody not? I always dress informally. Dress-down Friday is just like Saturday night to me.

Yet, I’ve always wanted to wear a red sequined dress. But where would I wear it? People don’t dress up for the holidays anymore--unless they’re invited to a Christmas party on a soap opera.

Most invitations I get this time of year are from my children. They ask me to baby-sit their children. My grandchildren never tell me what they’d like me to wear, only what they’d like me to bring.

This will be my 63rd holiday season. In all those years, I’ve never worn sequins. Maybe it’s for the best. My dry cleaner gets hysterical if I bring in anything with nailheads. I can imagine what he’d say about sequins.

When I was younger, I dreamed about going to Las Vegas and wearing a red, sequined, strapless evening gown and long rhinestone earrings, my hair in an upsweep. The Rat Pack would be there. And me. But if I went now, the Rat Pack wouldn’t be there, and I’d look out of place if I wasn’t wearing a sweatsuit.

I think I missed my chance to sparkle and glow. Even movie stars prefer Armani to sequins these days. How I miss Liberace. They just don’t make people the way they used to. Would anyone have dared to ask the Duchess of Windsor to dress informally?

Of course, if someone asked me to substitute for Ann Miller dancing to “It’s Too Darn Hot,” I could wear red sequins. Or if I were to sing in Nashville. But to tell you the truth, that’s highly unlikely.

There are days I yearn for a red-velvet, strapless gown, even though I might be mistaken for a couch in a bordello. But most of the time, it’s sequins. I don’t know if a size-14 person, like me, would actually look good in sequins. I’d probably look like the aurora borealis. The thought of children in a Third World country going without sleep so they could sew millions and millions of bangles onto my dress doesn’t sit any better with me than it does with Kathie Lee. Actually, I don’t think sequins would sit too well, either.

If only I were Ally McBeal. Then a 7-year-old would only have to sew seven sequins together, and I’d have a dress in seven seconds. We could both go to sleep early.

I once mentioned my desire for a red-sequined dress to my daughter. I should have known better. From the look of horror on her face, you’d have thought I told her I wanted to wear blue eye shadow.

My daughter’s generation can wear see-through clothes, peekaboo clothes and clothespins in their hair, but they don’t want their mothers in red sequins.

The problem isn’t just with my daughter’s generation. It’s with my generation, too. Holidays mean fancy food as well as fancy clothes. People my age are more interested in what they’re eating than what they’re wearing. They want a nice meal, then to sit on the couch, maybe take a little nap. Then have dessert, a cup of tea, a little lemon. . .

Anyway, here in the East, it’s always cold during the holidays. But you can’t wear a down coat over sequins. I’d have to go the whole nine yards, get a fancy jacket, maybe a red cape (it looked good on Little Red Riding Hood), evening bag and evening shoes. It would cost a small fortune. My friends and I clip supermarket coupons. They don’t give coupons for red satin Manalo Blahnik spikes.

Actually, if I got my red-sequined dress, I wouldn’t have any more fantasies left. And everyone knows from Dr. Ruth, Dr. Joy and Dr. Laura that, in reality, fantasies are even better than chocolate-chip cookies.

So, every year, I look forward to paging through the catalogs that come in the mail daily. They’re full of sequined dresses for the holidays. I look for the dress I would wear if I were ever asked to dress up. I know it would be a dress with a price tag that included a comma.

But don’t get me wrong. My friends and I do spend a lot of time talking about dressing for the holidays: We exchange recipes for homemade cranberry sauce and mushroom stuffing.