Off-Kilter : Predictions of Strange Days Ahead

Millennium Contest Results: We stand in awe of the amazing psychic powers of our readers, who showered us with predictions for the next millennium. The contest drew entries from such foreign lands as Malaysia, Australia and New Jersey. The winning forecasts are:

* The Rolling Stones’ “We’re Still Eating Solids” tour cancels several venues because of a lack of wheelchair access. (Larry Frank, Tom Norton, Rick Swanson)

* Airlines solve the problem of lost suitcases by inventing “smart luggage” that sounds an alarm and shouts the name of the city where it’s supposed to go any time someone tries to load it onto the wrong plane: “No, no, no! Cleveland!” (Gordon B. Bleil)

* A California court recognizes the paternity claim of a woman impregnated by a space alien. (R.J. Goodman)

* Following Oprah’s lead, Jerry Springer starts his own book club, but it folds after a Cerritos man is injured by a pop-up biography of Pamela Anderson. (Roman Hans)

* A breakthrough in DNA research allows men to be implanted with a gene that enables them to change channels by simply blinking their eyes. (Don Maddox)

* Girl Scouts take over the United States and then the world by withholding their supply of Thin Mint cookies. (Gabrielle Lissauer)

* In 2999, Denver’s police chief announces that the JonBenet Ramsey murder investigation is “about to reach an important phase any time now.” (Chester R. Collins)

* The 54th in a series, “Babe: Pig-in-a-Blanket” is released, with promotional tie-ins to Wienerschnitzel and the International House of Pancakes. (Mark S. Scott)

* Due to the year 2000 glitch, in which computers all think it’s 1900, William McKinley is elected president. (Dave Kase)

* The most popular sport-utility vehicle will be the cement-mixer truck. Passengers riding in the back won’t need seat belts, thanks to the miracle of centrifugal force. (Tina and Richard Alger)

* President-elect Hulk Hogan and Minnesota Gov. Jesse “the Body” Ventura single-handedly invade Iraq and tag-team Saddam Hussein into submission. (Rick Dalton)

* By 2020, California class size is reduced to one student per class. (Volney V. Brown Jr.)

Finally, Off-Kilter predicts nonstop reader contests in 1999 so we can avoid writing actual columns.

And we have plenty of leftover prizes from Mattel, Hasbro and others.

Weird Polls Department: The top uncool gifts for 1998, according to a survey of teenagers by the County Seat apparel chain, include: blue dresses from the Gap, Furbies, the new Cher CD, calculators, any Spice Girls CD, anything monogrammed, dress socks and “Chicken Soup for the Soul.”

County Seat is offering a free pair of pants to the first 1,000 people who submit proof they received one of the above gifts.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Woman Jailed for Plant Abuse!” (Weekly World News)

Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informant: Ann Harrison. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.