Punch Lines

Olympic Humor: “Watching the Winter Games, I realized I missed my true calling as a luger. All the time I’ve spent in the recline position on my BarcaLounger could have counted as training.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Olympic II: “Despite all the color and pageantry at Nagano, the world will never forget that Japan is responsible for one of history’s most horrific events: the birth of sumo wrestling.” (Alan Ray)

Olympic III: The opening ceremonies began with a purification ritual. “In a solemn rite, Al Gore was edited out of the videotape of a Buddhist fund-raiser.” (Argus Hamilton)

Musical Grave Sites: “Insiders say the real reason anti-tobacco crusader C. Everett Koop doesn’t want to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery is the secondhand smoke from JFK’s eternal flame.” (Craig Kilborn)

El Nin~o Update: “Malibu was so wet, Tommy and Pamela Lee had to use an underwater camera to make their videos.” (Jay Leno)

Your Daily Dose of Clinton Jokes: “Tipper Gore has launched a campaign to have a parental warning placed on the president’s pants.” (David Letterman)

Clinton II: “Hillary Clinton’s title has been officially changed from ‘first lady’ to ‘fifth or sixth lady.’ ” (Letterman)

Bill III: A Sunday poll puts President Clinton’s job-approval rating at an all-time high of 79%. “He hasn’t been this high since he didn’t inhale.” (Hamilton)

R.I.P.: Bob Russell, co-creator of the TV game show “Name That Tune,” died at age 90. “The funeral featured the usual eulogies, followed by an organ solo of the first three notes of ‘Amazing Grace.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

Sinking Feeling: A series of distress messages sent from the real Titanic will be auctioned off in New York on Feb. 17. “However, the authenticity of the items was questioned when one of the messages read, ‘Cameron’s going over budget. He must be stopped. Signed, Paramount.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

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The Heavily Ginsu’d David Letterman:

Top 10 signs you’re not going to win a gold medal at the Winter Olympics . . .

5. Your bobsled is crammed with carry-on luggage.

1. Your ice dancing partner is inflatable.

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