Punch Lines
Latte Day Saint: Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner-city neighborhoods. “Just what the poor need: a good $3 cup of coffee.” (Premiere Radio)
Birthday: Mia Farrow is 51. “Friends are planning a surprise party. But it’s going to be hard to surprise Mia any more than Woody Allen did.” (Steve Voldseth)
Olympic Update: “Did you watch the luge? It’s a 3-foot-long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. In America, we call that a Hyundai.” (Jay Leno)
Toy Story: The latest new toy is a stuffed animal that sings and has a 400-word vocabulary. “I think we may have found the sixth Spice Girl.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)
Frankincense, Gold and Mir: Two Russian cosmonauts appeared on the QVC home-shopping network to sell spacesuits. “They’re hoping to trade for something more technologically sophisticated than Mir, like a ’57 Rambler.” (Bill Williams)
Clinton Joke Section: British Prime Minister Tony Blair returned to England after meeting with President Clinton. “Blair said he left with new insights on the war in Bosnia, on U.S. plans to invade Iraq and with some very interesting phone numbers.” (Bob Mills)
Party On: Democratic Party Chairman Roy Romer has admitted having a 16-year “relationship” with a former aide. “Imagine, 16 years. Today, Clinton called him a role model.” (Voldseth)
One More: Clinton’s lawyers say Ken Starr abused power, leaked to the press and pressured witnesses. “If guilty, he could get 30 years in prison for impersonating the president.” (Argus Hamilton)
Cirque du O.J.: Marcia Clark has signed with NBC as a legal affairs commentator. “NBC wouldn’t disclose the contract, but did say Clark will go through at least five hairstyle changes.” (Mark Efman)
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The Slimmed-Down David Letterman:
Top 10 reasons why America is the best country on Earth . . .
10. Even lowly interns can meet the president.
7. Three glorious words: “World Wrestling Federation.”
5. Mexico invented the burrito, but we made it microwaveable.
3. If you’re really good at sports, you get to kill people.
* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.