Off-Kilter

Planet of the Apes Alert: Two weeks ago, we told you about the attack of the “Marv Albert monkeys,” a band of apes that swept through a Japanese village biting residents in the legs and the backs. Now, the simian uprising has spread to Kenya, where up to 100 baboons raided a government hospital and stole dextrose-fluid drips from terrified patients, according to Newsday.

OK, how did this happen? If you’re a hospital employee, how many baboons do you watch come into the lobby before you decide to lock the doors and call security? Ten, 20, 75? Or did the apes sneak through wearing stethoscopes and scrub gowns or hiding under the sheets on gurneys? More importantly, is it possible to bill the baboons’ HMO for the pilfered dextrose?

Frozen Assets Department: Antarctica now has its first automated teller machine, according to the Chicago Sun-Times. The first polar ATM robbery is probably next. Maybe by armed snow monkeys.

Love Countdown: The third installment of our series designed to get you in the mood for Valentine’s Day is a report on a “honeymoon disasters” contest. Every February, Thrifty Rent-a-Car awards a free second honeymoon to the couple who endured the worst wedding night. This year’s prize goes to Lori and Ron Stagg of Utah, who spent their first evening of marital bliss covered in Chee-tos and blood after a car crash that also smashed all of their wedding gifts. They got patched up at a hospital, then boarded a cross-country bus to Chicago that had no air-conditioning, a broken toilet and a gospel singing group rehearsing for an upcoming performance.

Other finalists included a Massachusetts couple honeymooning in Bermuda when the husband had to get an emergency root canal from a pediatrician who joked about using hand puppets in place of Novocain; and a Wyoming bride who had to slaughter a 350-pound pig at her reception because the butcher didn’t show up and the groom was unavailable.

To enter the next contest, write to Honeymoon Disasters 1998, c/o Thrifty Corporate Communications, CIMS #1020, P.O. Box 35250, Tulsa, OK 74153. Or visit the company’s Web site at https://www.thrifty.com.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Story: Something has definitely gone haywire in the monkey kingdom. If they’re not attacking humans in Japan or invading hospitals in Africa, then they’re working for the National Enquirer. This week’s issue features a simian named Kaos, who was recruited to analyze the Clinton sex scandal. The Enquirer had the chimp watch video footage of Hillary Clinton, Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky to see how he would react. The results: On a scale of one to five bananas, Hillary got a five because Kaos kissed the TV screen when she appeared (the Enquirer seemed to think this was a compliment, but we’re not so sure). Flowers was a close second. Kaos pointed at her face, which means “I believe her,” according to his trainer. When the ape saw Jones with curly hair, he put on his own wig and screeched. Finally, when Lewinsky appeared, the chimp ran into his bedroom and returned carrying a pitchfork and wearing plastic devil’s horns. So there you have it: proof that Monica Lewinsky is the antichrist.

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Contributors: Ann Harrison, Wireless Flash, www.tabloid.net