Getting a Buzz

Can grass help on snow? I don’t know, but because marijuana was found in his blood, a guy from Canada just had his gold medal taken away, after he won a new Olympic event called snowboarding. Bummer, man.

The dope-testers, and I do mean DOPE-testers, have a sure-fire Five-Step Program on how to tell if a snowboarder is on marijuana:

1. He comes down the hill eating from a pan of fudge brownies, with Hostess Twinkies sticking out of his parka.

2. He goes out of the gate, shouting, “Peter Fonda for Best Actor, man!”

3. He is awarded a gold medal on the podium, but instead of Canada’s national anthem, he breaks into “Puff, the Magic Dragon.”

4. He rides his board on one foot, giving a peace sign, wearing a “Bob Marley On Tour” shirt, with stereo headphones over a stocking cap and a pair of ski pants that feature an endorsement for Zig-Zag Rolling Papers.

5. He looks above Japan’s mountains, then suddenly begins screaming: “It is Mothra! Run for your lives! Look out! I think maybe he is with Rodan, man!” Worse yet, his words aren’t in sync with his lips.

Oh, Canada.

I mean, oh, cannabis.

Marijuana might not be a “performance-enhancing” drug. From what I know of it (not from personal experience), it might even be a performance-forgetting drug. I would think that an Olympic athlete on marijuana wouldn’t necessarily ski or skate faster, but quite possibly would fall asleep in the middle of the race. Later, he would wake up and be told he won, and reply: “Cool.” Canadians didn’t need this. Ten years ago, a gold medal went down the tubes (or into the test tube) when Ben Johnson, a sprinter, tested positive for some drug I can’t pronounce, with all 26 letters of the alphabet in its name. Xyquestforgold Runfasterol, or something. Nobody had a clue until then that Ben had been on drugs, although, of course, we did become suspicious when he ran 100 meters in 1.1 seconds.

That led to a Ben ban.

Now, more bad news for our mysterious friends from north of the border. A gold medal has been taken away from one Ross Rebagliati--or, as he will be known in Olympic lore forever and ever, “Just Say Nagano” Rebagliati. He got busted for having a trace of pot in his system, which probably explains why on the awards platform, he said: “Gold? Boring, dude. Got anything in red?”

What a pity.

This is truly a black eye for snowboarding, whatever snowboarding is.

I know, it is no laughing matter. (Except for those of us to whom this is an uncontrollably laughing matter.) The Nagano cops want a word with Ross. I mean it. Just today, the boys from NPD Blue announced that they will question the Canadian, on suspicion of violating Japan’s drug control law. They will give him a third-degree under a hot lamp, which should melt some of that snow.

I am not sure what the specific charge would be. They might simply want to double-check that Ross didn’t break any of the strict sponsorship rules, by smoking something other than “The Official Marijuana of the 1998 Winter Olympics.”

Snowboarders are rushing to show their support.

For instance, Austria’s superstar, Martin Freinademetz, went right out Thursday and got himself thrown out of the Nagano Olympics. He threw a party at his hotel in Shiga Kogen, just outside of town, where furniture and office equipment got trashed into chips the size of chopsticks.

Herr Freinademetz had no more snowboard races left. “He destroyed a lot of stuff,” said Austria’s deputy team chief, Manuela Volvoda, who pointed out that Italians, Danes and, yes, Canadians were at the party too. She said Olympic officials were puzzled why anyone would smash furniture. Personally, I think Freinademetz is preparing for a 2002 Olympic sport, desktop snowboarding.

Back in the States, a hassle is shaping up over whether pro basketball players should be tested for marijuana.

David Robinson says yes. (“We should be tested. It’s a no-brainer.”) Grant Hill says yes. (“If it’s illegal, it’s illegal.”) Larry Bird says yes. (“Test everyone, coaches and executives too.”) They can’t understand why the NBA’s player union rep, Billy Hunter, keeps saying no. Every other top pro league gets its players tested.

Hunter says, “The perception that sometimes tends to get promoted by the media is that our membership [is] guys who are gang-bangers, hip-hoppers, guys who go around doing a lot of drugs.” No, the only NBA guys we ever say that about, Billy, are the guys who go around doing a lot of drugs.

I feel for them, just as I feel for these snowboarders, many of whom grew up in rough snowboarding neighborhoods.

Here is a frank confession:

I have never smoked marijuana. I have inhaled it, because I sat behind people at Raider football games. But smoke it? Never. Dope is for dopes. When I snowboard, I snowboard straight, babe.

As for the International Olympic Committee, I hate to see you take this guy’s gold medal. OK, so when the IOC’s boss, Juan Antonio Samaranch, came to the awards platform, the Canadian said, “Hey, J.A., what’s happenin’?” Give the guy a break. Give back his medal. Or else, give him one made out of chocolate. Trust me, he won’t know the difference.