It’s All About What’s on Tap in Japanese Alps

Tony Kornheiser of the Washington Post, writing irreverently on the Winter Olympics:

“Every time I see Jim Nantz I keep thinking: Where’s Billy Packer? Does the road to the Final Four really go through Nagano?

“ ‘We are here for a reason,’ Nantz gravely intoned on Opening Day. ‘To get closer. To climb higher. To pose the question: What can we become? And we seek the answer in the mountains.’

“And all I could think of was: ‘Hey, beer man!’ ”

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Trivia time: Who was the first person to win five individual gold medals at one Olympic Games?

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Smaller market: Dan Bickley of the Arizona Republic doesn’t believe Michael Jordan will retire after the season and, if he leaves Chicago, he should seriously consider playing for the Phoenix Suns:

“Jordan loves the Valley [Phoenix area]. Jordan loves golf. Jordan would love to smother the cocky kids in Los Angeles. Jordan loves championships, and his presence would make the Suns a contender. And he would be a puddle-jumper away from Las Vegas.”

Dream on, Dan.

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Never happen: Kevin Blackistone of the Dallas Morning News, on college football recruiting:

“Just once--one time, baby--I’d like to hear a coach announce at his news conference, ‘You know, my class stinks. I didn’t get any of the guys I really wanted. We’ll just have to strap ‘em up and do the best we can next season and hope to do better next winter.’ ”

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Timber! Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams, former Philadelphia Phillie pitcher, has left his 3-2 Ranch in Hico, Texas, and moved to southern New Jersey, where he’s helping his father-in-law manage a bowling alley.

Williams in a bowling alley? That’s scary.

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Opinion: Chris McCosky of the Detroit News dismisses Bill Laimbeer as a future coach of the Pistons by writing:

“Beware of former players who admittedly hated the game, hated the media and were generally cruel with the fans during their playing careers, but who suddenly want to coach now that the pay scale for coaches is upwards of $5 million per.”

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Looking back: On this day in 1981, Boston catcher Carlton Fisk was declared a free agent because the Red Sox violated the basic agreement by mailing his contract two days beyond the deadline.

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Trivia answer: Speedskater Eric Heiden, at the 1980 Games at Lake Placid, N.Y. Swimmer Mark Spitz won seven gold medals at the 1972 Olympics in Munich, Germany, but three were in relay events.

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And finally: Stephen A. Smith in the Philadelphia Inquirer: “Why would Laker GM Jerry West send Nick Van Exel and Elden Campbell to Toronto for Damon Stoudamire, who will demand $11 million to $14 million a year, all the while knowing he would be fixing something that wasn’t broken?

“Don’t be surprised if that rumor is hogwash.”