Medals in Two-Man Luge Starting Something Huge

The hills are alive with the sound of Mojo Nixon, drowning out the catatonic mutterings of a shellshocked U.S. men’s hockey team:

Ice . . . too . . . big.

Swedes . . . too . . . fast.

Why . . . no . . . snow-out?

The United States hockey “Dream Team” turned its much-ballyhooed Nagano opener into a convincing reenactment of last year’s Davis Cup final, getting waxed by underdog Sweden, 4-2.

This never happened to Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley in Barcelona.

Then again, Peter Forsberg never played for Angola.

Still, what is it going to take for the United States to match the “Miracle On Ice” gold medal of 1980, now nearly two decades old? Gary Bettman stops the NHL season for 17 days, a planeload of Chicago Blackhawks and New York Rangers are flown in and dressed in red, white and blue, Ron Wilson rolls out the puck . . . and Dream Team USA is 0-1, and Mike Eruzione is still doing interviews.

Let’s face facts, ice hockey has never been our game. Football, baseball, basketball and two-man luge--those are the staples of the American sports diet. Two-man luge brought home the silver, which is more than the U.S. baseball team did at the Atlanta Olympics. Two-man luge brought home the bronze, too, ahead of the Austrians and the Italians and the Russians.

Songs are written about American two-man lugers. “I’m a Luger,” for instance, was a big hit for the Beatles many years ago. More recently, Mojo Nixon, the resident nut-case of alternative/college rock, wrote the rousing anthem, “Luge Team U.S.A.,” with two-man luge silver medalist Gordy Sheer sitting in on drums.

Mojo is famous for writing flattering songs about other pop singers, such as “Don Henley Must Die” and “Debbie Gibson Is Pregnant With My Two-Headed Love Child,” but “Luge Team U.S.A” is his first ode to Olympic athletes, not counting “Elvis Is Everywhere,” which doesn’t mention a word about any figure skater from Canada.

“Luge Team U.S.A” has become the called shot of these Games--forecasting American two-man glory long before Sheer and partner Chris Thorpe slid away with the silver medal, followed by the bronze-medal dash of Mark Grimmette and Brian Martin.

For the record, those are the first American Olympic luge medals of any kind, ever, ending a 34-year slump.

As of Day 8, the United States has won six medals at Nagano, equaling its entire total for the 1988 Calgary Olympics. The Calgary Games were immediately declared a national disaster, prompting the formation of the George Steinbrenner Commission, in which the New York Yankees owner was enlisted by the U.S. Olympic Committee to trouble-shoot the American winter sports program.

Steinbrenner’s first recommendation--”Fire the manager!”--fell on deaf ears. But post-1998, post-Steinbrenner Commission, the International Olympic Committee agreed to add U.S.-friendly sports to its winter program--first freestyle skiing, then women’s hockey, then snowboarding.

This rankles many purists who believe the current U.S. medal total is falsely inflated by success in post-Steinbrenner sports and propose a new way to list medal rankings:

Team USA ’98 in pre-Steinbrenner sports: three (one in Alpine skiing, two in luge.)

Team USA ‘98, post-Steinbrenner sports: three (one in moguls skiing, two in halfpipe snowboarding.)

Those of you scoring at home, Picabo Street’s bid in the women’s downhill was rained out and postponed again and Eric Bergoust doesn’t start aerial skiing until Monday, so the deadlock continues for another day.

Elsewhere Saturday, Bjorn Daehlie, the Bjorn Borg of men’s cross-country skiing, fell just short in his quest for an unprecedented seventh Winter Olympic gold medal, finishing 1.1 seconds behind Norwegian teammate and rival Thomas Algaard in men’s 15-kilometer freestyle. Daehlie will get two more chances at gold No. 7--Wednesday in the team 40-kilometer relay and next Sunday in the individual 50-kilometer race.

And in curling, the American men rallied for a 5-4 triumph over host Japan in an elimination game. The United States earned a berth in the medal round by pulling out the victory on the final stone of the 10th end . . . and this is beginning to sound too much like a giant slalom snowboarding report.

In the meantime, look for “Luge Team U.S.A” at a record store near you. Not there? Well, to quote the immortal lyrics of the Dead Milkmen:

If you ain’t got Mojo Nixon

Then your store could use some fixin!