Punch Lines

R.I.P.: The inventor of the airplane boarding ramp has died at age 85. “Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.” (Steve Voldseth)

Homework: An Alaska school board suspended 12 kids for bringing everything from a butcher knife to a hollowed-out hand grenade to school. “Modern kids have it so easy. When I was young, I had to walk 10 miles in the snow to bring my hollowed-out grenade to school.” (Bill Williams)

Desert Blunder: The U.S. military has dubbed our latest Iraq adventure Operation Desert Thunder. “Several other names were considered, including, ‘Operation Take the Heat Off the President by Focusing Attention Away From Monica Lewinsky.’ ” (Olympia Daily World)

Operation Snow Job: Hillary Clinton is again defending her husband, saying he gets up every day and does the work of two men. “Of course, the men are Charlie Sheen and Wilt Chamberlain, but still.” (Jay Leno)

Deconstructing Moses: More bad news for Clinton. A federal judge has ruled the presidential line-item veto unconstitutional. “That means we’re back up to Ten Commandments.” (Argus Hamilton)

Birthday Boy: Today we honor the birth of George Washington. “Historians have a new theory about why he could not tell a lie: He was never served a subpoena.” (Alan Ray)

Birthday II: “In honor of Presidents Day, Clinton will conduct the usual ceremony in the White House. He lowers his pants to half mast.” (Ray)

Hornets’ Nest: Charlotte Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. “His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29.” (Hamilton)

Just a Flesh Wound: After Farrah Fawcett’s boyfriend slammed her head on a driveway, the couple issued a joint statement calling the incident “a small misunderstanding.” “The two are now collaborating on a film history of World War II called ‘Spat.’ ” (Spike Report)

Fish Story: An Ohio man choked to death after taking a dare that he could swallow a live, 5-inch fish. “Paramedics said he would have survived if he hadn’t first swallowed a tiny toy castle and miniature plastic scuba diver.” (Valerie Hansen)

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