Off-Kilter
G.I. George: When Hasbro introduced a G.I. Jane doll last year, it seemed like the perfect metaphor for the ‘90s. Maybe a little too perfect. The first doll rolled off the assembly line and immediately sued G.I. Joe for sexual harassment at boot camp. OK, not really, but apparently Hasbro is tired of the coed Army thing. This year’s expansion of its military action figure line is more traditional. G.I. Joe’s newest reinforcements include--seriously--George Washington, Colin Powell, a World War II Harley Davidson motorcycle . . . and Bob Hope (hey, someone has to entertain these plastic troops).
The G.I. George Washington debuted last week at New York’s International Toy Fair. Dressed in a Continental Army uniform with tricorn hat, it will arrive in stores July 4. The suggested retail price of $50 includes a miniature flag stand and map of colonial America. Cherry tree, ax and tiny wooden teeth sold separately. (OK, we lied about that last part.)
Surgeon General’s Warning: Caution: Never aim pepper spray at your own eyes, don’t reuse Liquid Plumr bottles to store beverages, and avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.
These are some of the top entries in this year’s stupid-warning-labels contest, which is sponsored by the Massachusetts Civil Justice Reform Alliance to show the wacky lengths to which businesses must go to guard against frivolous lawsuits.
Other idiot-proofed products included a Zippo cigarette lighter (“Do not ignite in face”), a blow dryer (“Do not use while sleeping”), a candle (“Caution--may be flammable”) and a box of Band-Aids (“For medical emergencies, seek professional help”). One of the most absurd labels, however, was disqualified for not meeting the frivolous lawsuit criteria. But it’s still a classic: a gold watch that says on the back, “See other side.”
R&R; Department: Luxury spas are offering a strange new batch of treatments and massages, according to U.S. News & World Report. At some, hot lava stones are kneaded into tense muscles. Others pour a constant stream of heated aromatic oil onto the forehead to relax nerves. But our favorite is something called “equine experience,” which purportedly allows you to “confront hidden fears as you groom and brush a horse.” Sounds to us like some rancher has figured out a way to dupe city slickers into doing boring farm chores. We applaud such efforts. In fact, we’re thinking of opening our own spa, featuring “porcelain and Formica therapy,” during which you achieve total nirvana while cleaning our bathroom.
Mailbag: A random selection from our file of letters and e-mail produces a complaint about our item claiming that the next topsy-turvy year (one that reads the same upside-down as right-side-up) isn’t until 6009. Wrong, wrong, wrong, a reader says. If you bow to technology and include digital readouts, 2002 also qualifies as topsy-turvy. We weren’t counting digital years, but for those of you who do, we stand corrected.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Scientists to Clone Neanderthal Man From 30,000-Year-Old Doo-Doo” (Weekly World News)
Even more amazing: This might be the only Weekly World News headline we’ve ever seen that didn’t end with an exclamation point!
* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.
Contributors: Wireless Flash, Allison Joyce
