Punch Lines

1990s Sportsmanship: The U.S. men’s hockey team was so upset after being eliminated from the Olympics that members trashed a hotel room. “It’s the most embarrassing incident about an American sports figure not involving biting, choking a coach, double murder or having sex with a flight attendant.” (Jay Leno)

Last Dance: Michael Flatley, the “Lord of the Dance,” is retiring from dancing to pursue a career in acting. “Which means in a few years he’ll be known as ‘Lord of the Infomercials.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

Saddam and Gomorrah: “At Ohio State University, a pep rally for the upcoming blood bath in Iraq backfired when the audience began heckling Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, and not just her outfit. Albright then pointed to a hulking figure lurking in the shadows of the bleachers, saying, ‘One more outburst and I’ll unleash the Reno.’ ” (Craig Kilborn)

Saddam 2: “President Clinton is trying to rally support from the American people, who are deeply worried that another war with Iraq might somehow preempt the final episode of ‘Seinfeld.’ ” (Kilborn)

The Whole Spiel: The trial of a man accused of stalking and plotting to rape Steven Spielberg has begun. “That guy went too far. I mean, I didn’t like ‘Hook’ either, but let’s not overreact.” (Premiere Radio)

Broken Promises: Promise Keepers, the Christian men’s group, has laid off its entire staff. “A collective sigh was heard as millions of toilet seats across the country were left up.” (Bill Williams)

Anthrax: Two men were arrested for possessing what turned out to be a harmless veterinary anthrax vaccine. Had it been lethal, however: “Agents confiscated enough bacteria to wipe out either a medium-sized city or Rush Limbaugh.” (Bob Mills)

Anthrax 2: One suspect said he had enough bacteria to wipe out Las Vegas. “All that would remain would be casinos, neon lights and Wayne Newton’s hair.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Dialing for Dollars: Vice President Al Gore called the American luge medalists in Japan. “It was a total accident. He was making random fund-raising calls to Asia and dialed their number by mistake.” (Argus Hamilton)

Ship of Fools: UPN is reviving “The Love Boat.” It says the new version is more realistic. “That means whenever the cast asks for a raise, the captain runs the ship into an iceberg.” (Hamilton)

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