A Gift Bag Stuffed With Earthshaking Mementos

I sure wish I spoke Japanese. For example, I bought a souvenir here today, sight unseen. The guy said he would ship it to California, along with the bill. He said it was something called a Nissan. I don’t know if that means a T-shirt, or a key chain, or what.

Before I go, here is what I will remember most from Nagano, Nagano, that toddlin’ town.

AKEBONO: That sultan of sumo, that whopping Hawaiian, that volcano with legs, that Brobdingnagian Japanese-American who makes Godzilla look like Mary Lou Retton, was a big hit at the opening ceremony, 6 feet 8 inches and 502 pounds of bumpin’, thumpin’, rompin’, stompin’ Wrestler-mania.

He wore his silk fig leaf. He did his barefoot limbo of love, a dance to “ward off evil spirits” from the 1998 Winter Olympics, possibly meaning the media.

And then the champ formerly known as Chad pronounced, in a way that reminded me of astronaut Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, mostly because of Akebono’s striking resemblance to the moon, “Ten minutes of cold, a lifetime of happiness.”

The big fella made those evil spirits shoo. He really put his foot down.

Then he went off to eat 98 quarter-pounders or something, being in training.

THE FUTURE MRS. AKEBONO: In a classic Beauty and Obese tale, a 26-year-old former Indiana State Sycamore became one of her university’s most famous alumni since Larry Bird--OK, the only one--by announcing her engagement to the Big A himself, yes, that hunk-and-a-half, Akebono.

Christine Kalina said she is five months pregnant. She said Akebono had recently popped the question, which was “How would you like to spend the rest of your life with me?” and not “Where’s the beef?” She said nothing about the way to a man’s heart being through his stomach.

Oh, she said his favorite food is ham. The stock price of Kentucky Fried Chicken probably dropped 50 points.

KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN: Upon spying a KFC on a busy street, an American tourist on a bus said, “Oh, look! It’s the Colonel! Write down where we are, so we can find it again!”

Little did she know you can’t go 10 blocks in Nagano as the crow flies without hitting a KFC. This town’s got more Kentucky Fried Chickens than Kentucky.

MIDORI ITO: The former figure skater touched off the torch in a flowing robe, followed into the stadium by the Dancing Itos.

THE HERMANNATOR: Nike will probably run a “Be Like Hermann” campaign. This boy can ski. Hermann Maier went down those hills as if Claudia Schiffer were at the bottom.

As for that fall of his, I haven’t seen anything go through fences like that since I saw a twister go through a trailer park. I happen to have a tape recording of Hermann’s run that day: “I go left, I go right, I go left, I go left...no, right! Oh, noooooooooo!”

THE DOMINATOR: Dominik Hasek is the Czech Republic’s goalie. “The Dominator” is also the Buffalo Sabres’ goalie. The Czechs beat almost everybody. How come the Buffalo Sabres beat almost nobody?

I saw Hasek stop shots that were behind him. He stopped shots that were already in the net. We couldn’t see his face underneath that mask, but I think he poked eye holes on both sides, and was actually facing backward.

ULF: Somebody here stamped Ulf Samuelsson’s passport. Somebody didn’t notice that Ulf’s passport said “United States of America” while all his traveling companions were speaking Swedish.

I don’t know about you, but I absolutely hate people who pass for Swedish.

“FACE/OFF!” No hockey period could begin without a loud public-address announcement: “Face!” and “Off!”

It didn’t sound like an announcement. It sounded like an order.

THE AVERAGE BUS TEMPERATURE: Public-transportation passengers in Nagano are kept at a toasty 198.6 degrees. That’s how it seemed, sometimes. I felt like a human English muffin.

GEORGIA COFFEE: I thought the Japanese were tea drinkers. Juan Valdez didn’t have this much coffee.

A hot brand is Georgia coffee, but finding Equal or Sweet ‘n’ Low is next to impossible. I asked somebody for something sweet to put in my coffee. He gave me some Kentucky Fried Chicken.

BIG HAT: The last thing anybody expected to find in Japan was an arena called “Big Hat.” The last thing anybody in Japan could find was a big hat on sale at Big Hat.

SHOOTOUT AT BIG HAT: Canada’s coach chose five hockey players for a game-deciding shootout. Wayne Gretzky was not among them.

I bet if you asked Canada’s coach to name five of the 1927 New York Yankees, he would pick Lou Gehrig, Tony Lazzeri, Mark Koenig, Bob Meusel and Earle Combs.

PASHA: Courtney Love on skates.

FRANKENHEIMER: The distinguished film director, John Frankenheimer, has made some of my favorite films. For example, he made “The Manchurian Candidate.”

If he ever makes “The Manchurian Ice Dancer,” I hope he will call Pasha Grishuk. But he denounced Pasha for dissing Katarina Witt, who is working in a current Frankenheimer film. I think Pasha better cool it in Hollywood, before she hears, “You’ll never skate in this town again.”

NO TIPPING: Japan permits no tipping after service of any kind. I might move here.

CBS HAS FLU: At last count, according to industry sources, 29,994 of CBS-TV’s 30,000 staffers in Japan were sick. And they didn’t even have to wait to watch the coverage.

TEETER: I don’t know what Sarah “Teeter” Tueting’s plans are, but if the Buffalo Sabres need a backup goaltender...

THE SPOON-BENDER: In a popular Nagano nightclub, a guy with Uri Geller-like powers is bending spoons, without using his hands. I haven’t actually seen this, so I don’t know what he uses.

BOBEK: Poor Nicole. She sure did bounce hard on that ice. She turned out to be to Lipinski and Kwan what Pop was to Snap and Crackle.

TAKING A BATH: Public baths? With sportswriters? Count me out.

“USA HOCKEY A JOKE.” In a nightclub, Hermann Maier didn’t bend a spoon, but he did speak his mind about America’s hockey team. It wasn’t flattering. A reporter said, “Can we quote you?” Hermann picked up the reporter’s pen, turned the reporter’s notebook toward him and wrote: USA HOCKEY A JOKE.

BIKES: People park their bicycles and leave them all day, unlocked. Nice. Just like New York.

BERMUDA SHORTS: Patrick Derek Singleton, 23, the Bermuda Olympic team, walked in the parade of nations by himself, in his country’s shorts.

Singleton first saw snow at 17, while at boarding school in Scotland. He competed here in the luge. I believe he wore long pants.

“DON’T SAY WHO WON!” Newspaper readers and radio listeners complained about the Olympic results being spoiled for them in advance, before they could see them on TV.

Read my lips:

“Hello, directory assistance? Number for CBS television, please.”

BUY AMERICAN: Right down the road from the M-Wave arena is a Ford dealership. It has four cars.

GODZILLA: Never saw him once. Personally, I think he’s a fake.

THE QUAKE: On Feb. 20 here, there was a tremendous boom, later measured by a Richter scale as a 5.0.

There were two possible explanations.

Earthquake.

Or else, Mr. and Mrs. Akebano’s wedding night.