FROM THE WEATHER TO HACKL TO MAIER TO DAEHLIE TO PICABO TO SEIZINGER TO HASEK TO GRANATO TO LIPINSKI, IT WAS. . .17 DAYS OF STORY

AN OPENING WITH APPEAL

We’re not in Atlanta anymore, Toto-san. No more country music. No more pickup trucks. This was Japan, which could mean only one thing:

Sumo wrestling.

That was 516-pound Akebono leading the opening ceremony, trying to drive away the evil spirits.

(In hindsight, maybe the organizers should have had someone drive away the storm clouds. Suggestion: Flip Spiceland?)

Anyway, there were plenty of Akebono’s beefy buddies also taking in the festivities, which were decidedly lower key than in past Games.

A land-mine victim carried in the torch, former figure skater Midori Ito lit the flame, the snow pixies danced, and the dove-shaped balloons were launched.

IOC President Juan Antonio Samaranch asked President Clinton not to bomb Iraq . . . without mentioning President Clinton or Iraq.

But of course the big story of the day was the women’s figure skaters. Tara Lipinski marched in with the rest of the United States team and had plenty of things to say to CBS, such as “Wow!” “This is great!” and “I can’t believe I’m here!”

Michelle Kwan elected to talk to CBS via satellite from Lake Arrowhead. The nerve.

DOWNHILL: SNOW WAY

You can have your figure skating and your hockey and your curling, but the Olympic men’s downhill is one of the greatest sports events around.

Only minutes before the race was due to be run at Hakuba, a last-minute snowstorm swept across the course, forcing a postponement.

“It is a pity to cancel the race,” referee Matjaz Kranjc said, “but it is the Olympics, and the racers should have the best race possible. We will try again.”

Sounds like a Kranjc call to us, but what’s a little snow? They can always run it tomorrow.

With the postponement, the spotlight fell on the snowboarders, those gnarly shredders who made their Olympic debut with the giant slalom.

Canada’s Ross Rebagliati came from eighth place after one run to win the gold and said he would celebrate by staying in his room with his friends.

In women’s hockey, another sport making its debut, Finland defeated Sweden, 6-0, with a hat trick by Pavette Nurmi. And Herb Brooks’ Frenchmen lost their qualifying-round game to Belarus, with no help from Michel L’Eruzione.

THE WINNER: THE WEATHER

It came down to this: The top story in the Los Angeles Times Olympic section was a story on curling.

Curling.

Oh, sure, it was a terrific column by Mike Downey on Mike Pelinski but. . . .

Of course, this was nothing compared to the big luge controversy, with Germany’s legendary Georg Hackl under fire because of his booties.

Luge booties.

Come on, guys! Do something!

As Mike Penner wrote, “At this pace, the Nagano Games very well could be the first Olympics to be called on account of cabin fever. Nothing’s happening, no one’s moving.”

Well, it’s not exactly true that nothing was happening.

There was the usual controversy surrounding the figure skating judging, this time in the pairs competition. Americans Kyoko Ina and Jason Dungjen were scored fourth after the short program, behind a Russian pair, a German pair and another Russian pair. Goodbye, medal.

In women’s hockey, the United States defeated China, 5-0, in its first Olympic game; Gianni Romme of the Netherlands won the men’s 5,000 meters in speedskating; Yekaterina Dafovska of Bulgaria won the women’s 15-kilometer biathlon.

Let’s see Dave’s mom try to top those kinds of thrills.

WIPEOUT

The headline was referring to the effort by the U.S. women’s snowboarders in the giant slalom, but it could have been about the ski schedule.

They did get in two runs of the men’s combined slalom, but the words avalanche advisory are not the best thing to see on the ol’ electronic bulletin board.

With visibility terrible, Matt Grosjean of Aliso Viejo missed a gate on the second run of the combined slalom after getting the third-best time in the first run.

Three of four U.S. women either fell or were disqualified in the first run of the snowboard.

American Wendel Suckow was sixth in the men’s luge, well behind Georg Hackl and his unbeatable booties.

Canada defeated the U.S. in curling, 4-1.

The leading American in the women’s 5K cross-country skiing was Kerrin Petty, who was 51st. You have to figure Richard Petty couldn’t have been much farther down the list.

Oh, good. Michelle Kwan finally arrived. When does that women’s figure skating start, anyway?

A GOLD STRIKE

Eureka!

Just when it seemed that the United States was going for the goose egg, along came Big Air and Picabo.

Jonny “Big Air” Moseley became the king of the moguls with his gold medal, getting the U.S. off the schneid.

And Picabo Street, who had torn up her knee a little more than a year before, tore up the super-giant slalom course to stun the field in not her strongest event. Picabo was wearing her lucky Tiger helmet, and she earned her stripes with this one, defeating the Dorfster, Austria’s Michaela Dorfmeister, by one-hundredth of a second.

(Coincidentally, that’s also the average time most TNT viewers could watch a curling match before hitting the remote).

Russia’s Artur Dmitriev became the first man to win gold medals in pairs figure skating with two partners, this time with Oksana “Not Baiul, the Other One” Kazakova.

About 100 reporters showed up to see Michelle Kwan’s first practice session.

Oh, and that gold medal by Ross Rebagliati in the snowboard giant slalom? Fuggetaboutit. Turns out he had a little marijuana in his system.

Hindsight quote of the day, from U.S. hockey player Jeremy Roenick: “Everyone who doesn’t get to see our games on TV because they’re on late, we’ll carry it and show our medals to them.”

GETTING A BUZZ

All the talk at the snowboarding halfpipe event was about marijuana.

So what else is new?

A lot of Ross Rebagliati’s fellow snowboarders were up in arms over his loss of the giant slalom gold.

Canada’s Tara Teigen even said she and her teammates considered a boycott.

“It made us think about whether we wanted to drop in today,” she said.

New motto for the Olympics: Fire Up, Drop In, Lose Out.

And then there were the weather reports at the Alpine venue at Hakuba:

* Thunder and lightning advisory.

* Gale advisory.

* Thaw advisory.

* Avalanche advisory.

The good news was, there were no icebergs on the radar screen (unless those wacky weather guys were watching “Titanic”), but there was no downhill or downhill combined, either.

More good news for the unbeaten U.S. women’s hockey team: A victory over Finland got them closer to the gold-medal game.

Henry Boit of Kenya finished last in the men’s 10-kilometer cross-country race, 20 minutes behind Bjorn Daehlie. Let me know the next time some guy named Bjorn is anywhere near a Kenyan in the 10,000 meters at the Summer Games.

DOWNHILL DOWNER

They finally got the men’s downhill off, and boy, was Hermann Maier thrilled.

In one of the great Olympic moments, the Austrian Hermannator did his impression of a hydroplane and went soaring across the course at about 65 mph, crashing through two restraining fences before sticking in the snow like a Tiger Woods wedge shot, then getting up and brushing himself off like “Jaws” in the old James Bond movies.

Take that, you “Wide World of Sports” ski jumper. In your face, you “Miracle on Ice” guys.

Oh, France’s 31-year-old Jean-Luc Cretier won the downhill, defending champion Tommy Moe finished 12th, more than a second behind, and Italy’s Luca Cattaneo almost was sleeping with the blowfish after his fall left him with a torn Achilles’ tendon.

But on this day, Maier got the Oscar for best performance.

Elsewhere:

The IOC gave back Rebagliati’s snowboard gold, because marijuana is not on their list of banned substances. (Please insert your marijuana and/or IOC joke here).

Russia’s Ilia Kulik, wearing an outfit best described as the jellyfish, led the short program of the men’s figure skating.

And to all those folks burning up the sports-talk lines with the question: “Who won the United States’ first luge medals?” the answer is Gordy Sheer and Chris Thorpe (silver) and Mark Grimmette and Brian Martin (bronze), in 1998.

HOW SWEDE IT ISN’T

It looked so easy, putting the puck in the net. Chris Chelios and Mike Modano scored in the first 13 minutes and the U.S. men’s hockey team, using NHL players for the first time, had a 2-1 lead over Sweden after one period.

But then the net got smaller, the Americans couldn’t score any more, and the Swedes picked up a 4-2 victory.

Well, the Americans rationalized, Sweden’s a pretty good team. They are the defending champions. These games don’t matter that much anyway, all they do is determine seedings for the quarterfinals. We’ll come back tomorrow.

Of course, that’s the same thing they said about the Alpine skiing. By the way, the women’s downhill and men’s super-G were postponed again, this time by rain.

Over at the ice dancing, Natalia Dubova, coach of Canada’s Shae-Lynn Bourne and Victor Kraatz, who dropped to fourth place, was asked if she believed the competition was rigged to keep the North Americans out of a medal.

“Oh yes, oh yes,” she said. “They did this all before the competition. . . . It was prepared before by the Russians and the French.”

Nice event. You say Grishuk, I say Krilova, let’s call the whole thing off.

KULIK WEARS OUT THE COMPETITION

Let’s get one thing straight: It really doesn’t matter what the men’s figure skaters wear. The only thing that’s important is their performance.

(Wait for laughter to stop.)

Kulik, dressing like a butterfly but stinging the competition like a Russian bee, won the gold medal, beating out an injured Elvis Stojko, D’Artagnon (a.k.a. Philippe Candeloro) and America’s Todd Eldredge, who looked like Eric Karros trying to stretching a double into a triple.

In hockey, the American teams kept doing what they had been doing. The women showed plenty of heart to score six goals in the third period and defeat Canada. The men showed plenty of nothing as they struggled to defeat Belarus. (Don’t forget, these games don’t mean anything.)

On the slopes at Hakuba, there was a new problem, as fog forced another postponement of the men’s super-G. Organizers were now trying to squeeze the remaining 23 races into one glorious day, assuming there were no locusts.

American Brian Shimer knocked himself out of medal contention in the two-man bobsled with a couple of slow runs. Japan’s Masahiko Harada got no style points for almost ski-jumping into the parking lot.

And back at CBS, as if things weren’t bad enough because of ratings that are more usually associated with UPN than IOC, the network was taking heat because its announcers were wearing a swoosh. Just another Olympic moment, brought to you by the fine folks at Nike.

A DREAM TEAM NIGHTMARE

This one didn’t count either.

Right.

The United States got its big matchup with Canada in its final game of the preliminary round and couldn’t get anything past Patrick Roy until the final moments of a 4-1 thrashing.

That left the Americans with a 1-2 record. Not quite what the hockey’s Dream Team had expected and not quite what the NBA dream teams had accomplished, so the NHL reportedly was lining up a quick game with Angola as a confidence builder.

Skiing finally heated up again, with the Hermannator coming back and Picabo coming down to earth.

Maier, skiing as if he had forgotten his downhill spill, won the super-G with a performance that had his girlfriend saying, “Maybe he really is an alien.” (Possible Nagano Enquirer headline: “Did Maier Crash at Roswell Too?”)

Street, meanwhile, skiing as if she had forgotten what got her the super-G gold, was tentative and finished sixth in the downhill. “I skied like a pansy a little bit,” Picabo said.

The two-man bobsled final was too close to call, and judges gave Canada and Italy a share of the gold, the Canadians getting the edge on technical merit, but the Italians doing better in artistic impression.

GERMANS CONQUER THE HILL

Don’t forget these names: Katja Seizinger, Martina Ertl and Hilde Gerg.

They’re not the German version of the Supremes, but they reigned supreme in the women’s combined. It was Seizinger’s second gold medal at Hakuba and her third Olympic gold.

In the ice dancing, there were more shocking charges that the judges had predetermined the finish and that all Evgeny Platov and Pasha Grishuk had to do to win the gold medal (they did) was not break any major bones (they didn’t).

What a lot of rubbish. I mean, simply because the order of the top nine teams remained unchanged through four rounds of dances, with the exception of one Canadian pair who jumped from fifth to fourth. Who’s making these unfounded charges, Oliver Stonovitz?

Ulf Samuelsson replaced Ross Rebagliati in the controversy corner. No, he wasn’t banned for taking too many Sudafeds: The veteran Swedish defenseman was disqualified for having two passports, which is one too many in Sweden.

Chris Witty is no Bonnie Blair, but she got the first U.S. speedskating medal in Nagano with a bronze in the 1,500.

In one of the most intelligent rulings in Olympic history, the men’s 10-kilometer biathlon was stopped when shooters had to squint through the snow and fog before pulling the trigger.

Quick: Who swept the women’s combined? Don’t cheat.

RED, WHITE BLUE AND GOLD!

For those of you who tuned in late and thought CBS was showing highlights of the celebration from the Miracle on Ice in 1980, here’s the story: It’s 1998, Al Michaels wasn’t in Nagano and those were women out there.

The United States’ better half, showing the heart and the passion that the men wouldn’t come close to matching, defeated the archrival Canadians, 3-1.

“I was tired of hearing ‘O Canada,’ ” said Lisa Brown-Miller, the team’s oldest player at 31. “I had not heard our anthem played after a major tournament. I really wanted to hear it.”

That’s fine, as long as Michael Bolton isn’t singing it.

To show that Americans can win gold in major events too, Eric Bergoust and Nikki Stone swept the aerials in freestyle skiing. Freestyle, huh? Apparently, those downhill and slalom races are too structured for us.

And to show that bad ski weather wasn’t limited to Hakuba, the men’s giant slalom was postponed by a snowstorm at Shiga Kogen.

CBS announced that the time difference in Nagano is a problem. CBS also announced that “MASH” is going off the air.

This just in: Bjorn “Again” Daehlie wins his record seventh gold medal when Norway wins the 4x10K cross-country relay. The U.S. team of Marcus Nash, John Bauer, Patrick Weaver and Justin Wadsworth finished 17th. Wait until the freestyle relay.

A BONA FIDE BUST

It took the Creamed Team to overshadow the women’s figure skaters.

Mike Penner said it best in his Day in Nagano column:

“Czech Republic 4, Choke Republic 1.”

The latter would be the U.S. men’s hockey team, which bowed out of the competition faster than you can say Dominik Hasek.

Hasek, the Czech goaltender and NHL MVP, stopped 38 of 39 shots and would have turned U.S. Coach Ron Wilson’s hair gray if he hadn’t cut it off before the game.

“We never jelled,” Mike Modano said. “We just never got it going.”

Except, apparently, at the karaoke bars in the middle of the night.

And how about those figure skaters?

There was Michelle Kwan, who used a conservative routine to take the lead in the short program. There was Tara Lipinski, who was so happy she could scream.

And there was everyone else, who apparently thought this was open auditions for the Ice Follies. Nicole Bobek hit the ground more times than Joe Frazier against George Foreman.

Elsewhere, Hermann Maier wrapped up the Nagano MVP award by winning the giant slalom. Whatever the Austrian does, he does it spectacularly. Alberto Tomba, who is used to being the most-watched figure at the slopes, fell on his first run, but even his crash was nowhere near as good as Maier’s in the downhill.

IT’S A SMALL WORLD

How about this for a heavyweight matchup:

“In the red and pink corner, from Lake Arrowhead, wearing the Mare Talbot outfit, and weighing practically nothing, Michelle Kwan!”

“And in the yellow taffeta corner, from Sugar Land, Texas, wearing the Barbie-doll outfit, and weighing even less, Tara Lipinski!”

“Let’s get ready to rumble. Let’s get it on!”

That was the buzz around Nagano as the two tiny tykes prepared for the biggest night of their lives in the women’s figure skating.

In a little more one-sided match, the U.S. men’s hockey team finally found someone or something it could beat up on, and a few players caused between $1,000 and $3,000 of damage to their rooms.

Here’s forward Doug Weight’s explanation: “Some guys were wrestling and stuff, but that’s it. I know nothing about broken windows or anything like that. As for the broken chairs, we’re big guys and the chairs aren’t real strong and some of them had been broken since we got here just from sitting on them to play cards. We weren’t throwing furniture.”

The Ugly American defense rests.

Italy’s Deborah Compagnoni didn’t. She won the giant slalom, giving her gold medals in three Olympics.

U.S. speedskater Chris Witty was probably the unhappiest silver medalist in Nagano, with her runner-up finish in the 1,000 meters, an event in which she holds the world record. Think any of those hockey players would have changed places with her?

MIRACLE ON ICE II

The Nagano Games came full five circles.

Tara Lipinski, who had squealed with delight as she marched during the opening ceremony, got to do it again after her scores were posted in the women’s figure skating long program.

“I can’t believe it! I was so good!” Lipinski eeked. “There is nothing that could be better than this night. It feels so great, I can hardly explain it.”

Here are three ways to explain it. She skated after Michelle Kwan, she skated a little better than Kwan, and the judges left room for her to slip in as the youngest gold medalist in Winter Olympics history at 15 years 8 months.

Kwan didn’t fall, but she did have a small wobble on a triple flip, and that was all Lipinski needed.

Hopefully, this spirited and sportsmanlike competition will put an end to all Nancy-Tonya specials on Fox.

Unfortunately for Canada’s hockey team, there weren’t any Canadian figure skaters in medal contention, which took none of the attention away from their shootout loss to the Czech Republic. Dominik Hasek, who gave up the tying goal in the final minute of regulation, gave up nothing in the shootout, making a sprawling save on Eric Lindros to put the Czechs in the gold-medal game against Russia.

Ah, Russia vs. the Czech Republic for the gold. You can just see those CBS executives squealing like Lipinski over that one.

CZECH MATE

Talk about total domination. Hasek couldn’t be beaten by the Russians and the Czechs got a third-period goal from Petr Svoboda to win their first hockey gold medal.

It wasn’t Team USA vs. Team Canada (which didn’t get a medal, either), but it was good hockey.

Naturally, the buzz hadn’t died down from the Lipinski-Kwan duel. Randy Harvey, The Times’ figure skating guru, wants to see them go at each other over and over and over again until the 2002 Games in Salt Lake City.

Think about it. Could America’s hearts stand that much of America’s sweethearts?

What about bobsled? Glad you asked, but Brian Shimer isn’t particularly glad about it. The driver of U.S. I missed a bronze medal by .02 of a second. That’s what happens when you use wrestlers for ballast.

If cross-country skiing were popular in this country, Bjorn Daehlie would be the Carl Lewis of the sport. The Norwegian won the 50-kilometer event and then collapsed in dramatic fashion. It was his third gold medal and fourth overall in Nagano, giving him record totals of eight and 12, respectively.

(Of course, track and field isn’t even that popular in this country except for 10 days every four years, and when was the last time you saw Carl Lewis in a commercial? “Hi, I’m Bjorn Daehlie for Acme Beard-Defrosters. If you’re doing a quick 10-K classical run through the forest, don’t leave home without it.”)

ARIGATO FOR THE MEMORIES

The drums beat, the fireworks exploded and the children waved goodbye.

Sounds like the closing ceremony, which is a time to remember. After a slow start, there were some memorable moments over the past fortnight-plus.

A personal list:

1. Hermann Maier’s fall. Followed up by his victories, in the super-G and the giant slalom, this was nothing short of remarkable.

2. The Czech Republic’s semifinal men’s hockey victory over Canada. Trevor Linden’s tying goal with 1:03 to play, then Dominik Hasek’s play in goal for the Czechs in the shootout. An incredible game, even with the finish at about 12:45 a.m.

(A quick word about the 17-hour time difference. This was one of the most frustrating sporting events of all time. CBS didn’t help much, and no one was ever sure what was live, what was today, tomorrow or yesterday. But I digress.)

3. The U.S. women’s hockey victory. This looks even better when compared with the men’s effort and aftermath. At least the women knew this was something to appreciate.

Well, Nagano Mayor Tasuku Tsukada just presented the Olympic flag to Deedee Corradini, mayor of Salt Lake City.

But that won’t be until 2002. Let’s not forget about Sydney 2000.

What time is it there, anyway?