Punch Lines

Mardi Gras: Fat Tuesday is an annual event in New Orleans in which Roman Catholics eat, drink and run wild. “On the other 364 nights of the year, the event is held in Hyannisport.” (Argus Hamilton)

Nagano Finale: The best Olympic hockey teams were all from countries with cold winters. Warmer nations didn’t quite get the hang of the game. “For instance, Spain’s goalie used a red cape instead of a hockey stick.” (Hamilton)

Airborne CPR: A recent decision to carry heart defibrillators on airplanes saved a passenger’s life on a Dallas flight. “That plus the fact that his HMO only covers coronaries suffered on round-trip flights purchased 14 days in advance with a Saturday stay-over.” (Steve Voldseth)

Saddam and Gomorrah: President Clinton is wary of U.N. chief Kofi Annan’s deal with Iraq over weapons inspections. “Although inspectors will finally be allowed full access to Saddam Hussein’s sprawling presidential palaces, all the inspections will be led by Robin Leach.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Saddam II: Annan’s peacekeeping effort is being hailed as miraculous. “Next, he’s flying to Arizona to settle this Roadrunner-Coyote thing.” (Hamilton)

Saddam III: China came out strongly against any use of force against Iraq. “I can see China’s point. I mean, it’s not as if an insane despot threatening to use chemical weapons is as big a menace as an unarmed student dissident in a pair of flip-flops.” (Dennis Miller)

Birthday: Sen. Ted Kennedy is 66. “His liver is 93.” (Olympia Daily World)

Aged Cake: A 61-year-old piece of cake from the Duke and Duchess of Windsor’s wedding sold for $29,900 at auction. “The bidder was later heard grumbling, ‘For that much money, it should have come a la mode.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

Pop the Paparazzi: James Brolin reportedly punched a photographer who was trying to photograph him with fiancee Barbra Streisand. “The incident will be featured on the new Fox TV show ‘When Has-Been Celebrities Dating Superstars Attack II.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

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The Tape-Delayed David Letterman:

Top 10 sumo wrestler pick-up lines . . .

10. “They call me ‘Don Juan in a diaper.’ ”

3. “I’m 3% muscle, 50% fat and 100% sex machine.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.