Punch Lines
Ashes to Ashes: Lent, which began Wednesday, “is the 40-day period that commemorates Jesus’ suffering and agony at the hands of a special prosecutor.” (Bill Maher)
Guns at School: The L.A. Board of Education has OKd a plan to equip school police cars with 12-gauge shotguns. “Actually, the plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry super-soakers, junior-high patrols will have paint guns and shotguns will be used at high schools.” (Joshua Sostrin)
Uma, Oprah Sequel: “At the Grammy Awards in New York, David Letterman was overheard saying, ‘Marilyn Manson, this is Hanson. Hanson, this is Manson. Manson, Hanson . . . Hanson, Manson.’ ” (Paul Ecker)
Grammy II: Luciano Pavarotti was scheduled to perform with a 77-piece orchestra. “But he was a bit confused. He asked for the 77-piece orchestra to be ‘extra crispy.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)
Saddam and Gomorrah: President Clinton says he approaches everything Saddam Hussein says with a great degree of skepticism. “Pretty much the same way we approach anything Clinton says.” (David Letterman)
Saddam II: “American forces in the Persian Gulf went back to full alert when Hussein announced he would honor his latest U.N. inspection agreement as faithfully as Clinton honored his wedding vows.” (Bob Shannon)
Santa Monica: Newsweek magazine says Monica Lewinsky’s resume lists one of her duties at the White House as training the new interns. “That’s not surprising; if you were Bill Clinton, wouldn’t you want her training the new intern?” (Jay Leno)
After the Deluge: “Legislators in Sacramento voted to change the state song from ‘I Love You California’ to Paul Simon’s ‘Slip Slidin’ Away.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)
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The Abridged David Letterman:
Top 10 rejected Grammy categories . . .
10. Best soundtrack for a Pamela Lee sex tape.
8. Hanson brother most likely to rob a convenience store by age 25.
4. Best recording by a so-called friend of a former White House intern.
3. Spice Girl most likely to get pushed in front of a subway train.
1. Most over-hyped piece of crap.