Punch Lines
Dancin’ With Mr. D: “At the Grammy Awards, Keith Richards became the first performer ever to accept a posthumous award in person.” (Jay Leno)
Olympics 2002: When Utah hosts the next Winter Olympics, “things will be a bit more conservative. In the two-man luge, they’re gonna have a chaperon lie between the two guys.” (Leno)
Double Major: Eli Lilly is offering college scholarships to schizophrenics taking Zyprexa. “The first scholarship went to a girl majoring in anthropology, business, engineering, music and art.” (Valerie Hansen)
Organ Recital: Two men were arrested for conspiring to sell human organs taken from executed Chinese inmates. One offered an undercover FBI agent kidneys, pancreases and lungs. “When the agent asked for a heart, the suspect said, ‘Sorry, no substitutions.’ ” (Bill Maher)
Fried Dracula: In Florida, “vampire” cult leader Rod Ferrell was sentenced to death in the electric chair. “Electric chair? Don’t they know anything about vampires? Where’s the wooden stake?” (Daily Scoop)
Doesn’t Compute: American students scored lowest in the world in math. “That’s what Bill Clinton is counting on: that the American public will not be able to put 2 and 2 together.” (David Letterman)
Net News: Hillary Clinton has started a Web site devoted to first ladies. “But to download any information, you have to have a subpoena.” (Daily Scoop)
A Sequel You Can’t Refuse: CBS made a TV movie called “The Last Don II.” “That’s better than the original title idea: ‘The Last Don; No Really, This Time We Mean It.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)
Sink or Swim: A series of distress messages from the Titanic sold at auction for $123,000. “Some of the signals tried to be positive: ‘The midnight buffet this evening is seafood.’ ” (Alan Ray)
Love, Orangutan Style: The L.A. Zoo recently offered a love tour allowing people to watch animals mate in their natural habitat. “It’s the West Coast version of the White House tour.” (Argus Hamilton)
Silent Treatment: Mime Marcel Marceau, 74, is touring the U.S. “Unfortunately, during one performance, the elderly mime collapsed from lack of air in his invisible box.” (Premiere Radio)
Tall Tale: A study says men’s height is determined by their month of birth. “This just in, men’s ages are determined by the year they were born.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)
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