Punch Lines

Smoking Gun: Internal memos show that R.J. Reynolds aimed tobacco products at kids. “Among the test-marketed flops: Cough-on-Me Elmo, Cigarette-Butt Barbie, G.I. Joe’s buddy G.I. Phlegm, the Cabbage Nicotine Patch Kid, Low-Tar Silly Putty, Filter-Tip Crayons and Bubble Yum Chewing Tobacco.” (Jenny Church)

I Also Told Myself to Quit Talking: “So few people are going to see ‘The Postman’ that, at the screening I attended, I had to kick the back of my own seat.” (Steve Voldseth)

Patience, Patients: President Clinton and two top Democrats are pushing a patient “bill of rights” to improve the quality of health care. “A key provision is the patient’s right to control what magazines there are to look at in the waiting room.” (Johnny Robish)

One Small Step for Man: Astronaut-turned-senator John Glenn, 76, is apparently going back into space. “Hmmm. A politician launched into space. Not a bad idea.” (Daily Scoop)

Clone Cop: “President Clinton says he’s 100% against cloning--unless they concentrate specifically on Sharon Stone.” (David Letterman)

Das Boat: “You can tell ‘Titanic’ is an accurate depiction of the disaster. Right after the collision, the first person on deck is a lawyer giving the iceberg his card.” (Camille Brewster)

Jerry-atrics: “Seinfeld” is history. “The Smithsonian is preparing exhibition space in anticipation of the arrival from Hollywood of a large crate containing . . . nothing.” (Jeff O’Neill)

Must Squeeze TV: David Schwimmer says the stars of TV’s “Friends” have a ritual they perform before taping every show. They huddle up and exchange kisses. “What’s really scary is they do the same thing at ’60 Minutes.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

Football Rights: “As costs spiral upward for network sports deals, frantic NBC execs have just offered $5 billion for the Bud Bowl.” (Church)

*

The Non-David Letterman Top 10:

Hotline’s top questions about John Glenn’s return to space . . .

10. Will AARP now offer 10% discounts on space shuttle flights?

9. Will Glenn leave the left turn signal on all the way to the moon?

5. Can the main rocket boosters be operated with a Clapper?

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.