LAUGH LINES : Punch Lines

Sex, Lies and Audiotape: There were some great commercials during the Super Bowl. “Did you see the Doritos ad with the girl doing the splits and catching the chip in her mouth? Today Clinton hired her as the new intern.” (Jay Leno)

Neighborhood Watch: “Things are so bad that Washington, D.C., police are distributing fliers in the neighborhood around the White House advising people that a sex offender is living in the area.” (Leno)

Don’t Ask, Don’t E-Mail: The Navy is threatening to expel a senior chief petty officer for announcing he was gay on a chat room on America Online. “A separate investigation is underway to determine how the Navy was able to get through to AOL on its first try.” (Bob Mills)

Tailgate: A new survey says men hate shopping for Valentine’s Day cards. They say it’s hard to find that one special card that says what’s in your heart. “For example, do you know how tough it is for Clinton to find a card that says, ‘Be My Valentine . . . but Deny It Under Oath’?” (Premiere Radio)

Waterbed-gate: “I guess Hillary’s fighting back. Today she hired her own White House intern, Lorena Bobbitt.” (Leno)

Ratings-gate: Until about a week ago, public interest in President Clinton’s State of the Union address was minimal. “That was before his address turned out to be 1600 Melrose Place.” (Argus Hamilton)

Movie-gate: The film “Wag the Dog,” about a president caught in a sex scandal, isn’t doing as well as “Titanic.” “Why pay $7 for something you can see free on ‘Nightline’?” (Premiere Radio)

Roe-gate: Last week was the 25th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. “Since then, millions of American women have used that right, secure in the knowledge that what they do with their bodies is between them, their doctors and Whitewater investigator Kenneth Starr.” (Bill Maher)

Fornigate: The media have gone overboard with this story. “Jesus Returns. But first, our top story: the Clinton sex scandal.” (Daily Scoop)

Meanwhile, in Cuba: The pope’s celebration of Mass was carried live on Cuban TV. “This was unusual. They almost never preempt the country’s favorite game show: ‘The Price Is What We Say It Is.’ ” (Maher)

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