Punch Lines

Lonesome Doves: The hottest thing in Japan is a device called the “love getty,” which lonely people attach to their clothing to send signals to other lonely people wearing similar devices. “Actually, we’ve had those in this country for years. I believe they’re called ‘Star Trek’ convention buttons.” (Steve Voldseth)

Live Action in Court: A jury awarded director Francis Ford Coppola $20 million in a lawsuit against Warner Bros. claiming the studio interfered with his plans to make a live-action version of “Pinocchio.” “After getting $20 million, I guess you could say it pays to knock on wood.” (Paul Ecker)

Passionate Pen Pals: An exhibit at the Richard Nixon library in Yorba Linda features love letters written by past presidents, as well as Bill Clinton. “Clinton’s weren’t love letters exactly; they were dirty limericks written on the backs of bar napkins.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Sizzling Diets: The Food and Drug Administration urged people to immediately stop using an electrical pad advertised as a weight-loss device. The FDA called it a fire hazard that can burn people. “I guess this gives new meaning to the phrase ‘burning fat.’ ” (Johnny Robish)

Political Pill: Newt Gingrich said he wants mandatory drug tests for all members of Congress. “Problem is, most congressman don’t need to take mind-altering drugs. Whenever they make promises, they hallucinate.” (Argus Hamilton)

Trouserland: Mickey Mouse and other characters are still on strike at Euro Disney. The employees playing characters want better pay and more respect. “Donald Duck will settle for a pair of pants.” (Premiere Radio)

Bouncing Baby Checks: Elizabeth Ann Oliver, the woman whose recent delivery of a baby was carried live on the Internet, was suspected of bouncing checks. “Oliver says she’ll pay for any fines with proceeds she earns from selling the broadcast rights to the first conjugal visit on the Web.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Sour Notes: A man was allegedly killed Sunday in Manila for singing off-key. “In related news, Bob Dylan has postponed his concert tour to the Philippines.” (Premiere Radio)

Lavish Lavatories: The MTA is considering installing pay toilets in the subway system. They’ve got the expertise. “For years they’ve been flushing taxpayers’ money down the drain.” (Stan Kaplan)

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