Punch Lines

Hot Water: A Carnival cruise ship caught fire off the coast of Miami on Monday. “Aaron Spelling immediately sent a crew to film the event, so he would have footage to use for the final episode of the low-rated new ‘Love Boat.’ ” (David Christensen)

Hotter Water: “Carnival Cruise’s new ad theme song is ‘Smoke on the Water.’ ” (Valerie Marz)

The Big Hit: The movie “The Mask of Zorro” is about a mysterious blade-wielding man in black with a mask. “O.J. is calling it the feel-good movie of the year.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Glitches: “All of this worrying about computers crashing in 2000! It doesn’t concern me. I’ve got the advanced model. It’s been crashing like clockwork since 1993.” (LaMonte Laments)

Pippi’s Secret: The author of the popular children’s story “Pippi Longstocking” is upset because a U.S. magazine is depicting the character in erotic pictures. “Until now, no one knew the little girl’s stockings were held up by a Frederick’s of Hollywood black lace garter belt.” (Jerry Perisho)

Holy Smoke: Last week, it became legal in Kentucky for ministers to pack a gun in church, if they have a concealed weapons permit. “That should make Sunday’s sermon interesting--’Please put what you can in the collection plate . . . or else!’ ” (Daily Scoop)

Strange Beginnings: According to the journal New Scientist, a Southern California woman is pregnant from sperm taken from her late husband’s body. “And I’m guessing she never took ‘Honey, I’d love to but I’m too tired’ as an excuse either.” (Steve Voldseth)

In Education: President Clinton addressed the American Federation of Teachers in New Orleans on Monday morning. He spoke out against global warming. “With every witness, Ken Starr keeps getting warmer and warmer.” (Argus Hamilton)

More in Education: The teachers federation is adopting a plan to improve the quality of the country’s instructors. “They really need it, too. On their pamphlet, there was a quote that said, ‘The future of our children is at steak.’ ” (Andrew Wisot)

Top Jobs: On Sunday, Paula Jones underwent plastic surgery on her nose, normally termed a “rhinoplasty.” “This particular operation was so severe it’s being called the first case of ‘elephant-oplasty.’ ” (Perisho)

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