Sounds as if He Should Be Playing Computer Golf

So what if you’re not so much a golfer as a hacker. Be proud.

Every summer, Patrick Reusse of the Minneapolis Star Tribune--a.k.a. the Confirmed Hacker--takes his readers on a mini-tour of Minnesota courses and shows that the game doesn’t have to be played well to be enjoyed.

A sage bit of wisdom from Reusse as he goes in quest of respect on a golf course:

“The Hacker has had a long standing policy of trying to avoid courses that include the name of a tree or body of water in the title. If you play a course named The Pines--with three nines called the Woods, the Lakes and the Marsh--the odds are strong that you will be required to squeeze tee shots between trees and to hit approach shots over various wetlands.

“Mounds is a much preferred description. If the worst that can happen to a sliced drive is that it sails over a mound and into another fairway, the Hacker can live with it.”

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A small lesson: A few Minnesotans took a canoe and their ball retrievers out to harvest the bounty that had settled in a water hazard. They already had quite a haul when one of them, overeager to reach another ball, stood up.

“The canoe flipped and the 500 balls went to the deepest part of the pond, where I presume they still reside,” one of the anglers told Reusse.

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Trivia time: Michael Jordan has won six NBA titles and Chicago Bull coach-in-waiting Tim Floyd has never coached an NBA game. But who has won more NCAA tournament games, Jordan or Floyd?

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Bank on it: The epidemic of arenas named for financial institutions has spread from the professional ranks to college campuses.

These just in: Washington has added Sea-First, a regional bank, to the name of Hec Edmundson Pavilion, and Arizona State will change the name of its University Activity Center to Wells Fargo Arena after the banking giant’s $5-million contribution.

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That’s an order: Super Bowl MVP Terrell Davis, now known as the $56-million-dollar man, says he won’t be using the Mile High Salute touchdown celebration he made famous anymore, all in the interest of keeping things fresh.

Responded Mark Kiszla of the Denver Post:

“Doesn’t he realize the magnitude of his decision?

“Did Chubby Checker ever stop doing the twist?”

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Trivia answer: Jordan won more NCAA games as a freshman when North Carolina won the 1982 national title than Floyd won in 12 seasons at Idaho, New Orleans and Iowa State. Floyd’s record: 4-5. Jordan’s three-season record: 8-2.

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And finally: When the Confirmed Hacker found his spot in a charity-tournament foursome filled by a beauty queen, he feigned offense: “I can’t believe you dumped a stunningly handsome fellow such as myself for Mrs. Minnesota,” he said.

“Actually,” came the response, “we dumped you because we wanted a golfer.”