Punch Lines

Fitness Counts: Students in New York City beat up their teacher when she wouldn't let them watch the "Jerry Springer Show." "The good news is that there's still a school left in the country where kids are physically fit." (Russ Meyers)

Fit to Appear: Those New York City girls who beat up their teacher for refusing to turn the television to the "Jerry Springer Show" were allowed to bypass the show's rigid screening. "Their behavior automatically qualified them to appear as guests." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Old and Fit: Mature heavyweights Larry Holmes and George Foreman will fight in Las Vegas in November. "Their contract has a unique incentive clause. They each get a $90,000 bonus if they live until the fight date." (Argus Hamilton)

Bull Market: The Chicago Bulls won Game 7 of the NBA's Eastern Conference finals against the Indianapolis Pacers with defense. "They came to win. Michael Jordan had that look, Toni Kukoc brought his jump shot, and Dennis Rodman wore his No nonsense pantyhose." (Hamilton)

Bite Me: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer? "A tick drops off after it sucks your blood." (Alice Hoffman)


Shaggy Hair Story

"A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, 'How long before I can get a hair cut?'

"The barber looks at his shop full of customers and says, 'About two hours.' The guy leaves.

"A week later, the same guy sticks his head into the shop and says, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

"The barber looks around at the crowded shop and says, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy leaves.

"The same guy does exactly the same thing one week later. By this time the barber is getting curious. He looks over at a friend and says, 'Hey, Bill, would you follow that guy and tell me where he goes?'

"In a little while, Bill comes back to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, 'Where did he go when he left here?'

"Bill looks him in the eye and says, 'To your house.' " (Rosemary Roach)

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