Punch Lines

Cab Etiquette: New York City cabbies have protested the mayor’s new taxicab rules. “Every 10,000 miles he wants them to change their oil, their brake fluid and their T-shirts.” (Argus Hamilton)

Top Gun: Actor Charlton Heston was elected president of the National Rifle Assn. The organization’s CEO is ecstatic. “The NRA has waited a long time for a man of Mr. Heston’s caliber.” (Ira Lawson)

WWW.Spice: According to a new poll, Pamela Anderson’s fans want her to take over for Ginger Spice. “She’ll call herself ‘Internet Spice.’ ” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Spice Racket: “I heard the remaining Spice Girls made defector Ginger change her name to Ginger Condiment.” (Bill Williams)

Tenor ‘N’ Spice: Opera star Luciano Pavarotti performed with the remaining Spice Girls recently. “The show was called ‘A Guy, Four Girls and 300 Pizzas.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

Bosom Buddy: A new pill is being developed that’s supposed to make women’s breasts larger. “It’s finally being released after years of successful testing on Ted Kennedy.” (Conan O’Brien)

Snail’s Pace: A species of snail previously found only in California was discovered in Philadelphia. “In Philadelphia, the snail is a garden pest. In California, it’s an appetizer.” (Jerry Perisho)

Doctor’s Orders: A new survey says four out of 10 doctors accused of sexual harassment are still practicing medicine. “Hey, if it’s good enough for the president, it’s good enough for them.” (Cecera)

Full of Gas: Some astronomers say Pluto isn’t really a planet. “Photographs prove that Pluto is nothing but a big ball of gas circling out on the outer fringe. They’ve renamed it the Ken Starr.” (Hamilton)

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LAUGH TRACK

David Letterman on Clinton’s popularity: “President Clinton’s approval rating has dropped from 64% to 60%. You know what that means? Time for another sex scandal.”

Jay Leno on Monica Lewinsky: “A New York Post article says Monica is still in love with the president. Come on, you know what they say: You never forget your first president.”

Conan O’Brien on Johnnie Cochran turning down an offer to be Lewinsky’s lawyer: “He was heard saying: ‘If she wears a beret, I have to say nay.’ ”

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