Snap: Polaroid said it will speed efforts to cut excess inventory at retail distributors and that this will hurt second-quarter results. “As you would expect, investors immediately got the picture.” (Johnny Robish)
Crackle: A Web site on the Internet now lists government agencies that pay people to have safe sex. “If you’re interested, I believe the address is: www.ovaloffice.com.” (Steve Voldseth)
Pop: Superman turned 60 and there are signs he is getting old. “He can barely see through aluminum foil; he fought Lex Luthor and broke a hip; he takes Kryptonite to help his prostate.” (Chris Pena)
Snore ‘n’ Bore: A Southern Baptist group declared that men should be the leader of the household and women should submit to their men’s wishes. “The group also declared they’ll be sleeping on the couch until further notice.” (Conan O’Brien)
Windy: Fired Monica Lewinsky lawyer William Ginsburg said he will not stop attacking injustice wherever he sees it. “He was last seen on the Weather Channel saying he is appalled by the conduct and behavior of recent tornadoes in Oklahoma.” (Argus Hamilton)
Planet Spice: “MTV held auditions Tuesday to find a new Spice Girl. Those with talent were immediately disqualified.” (Albert Perrotta)
Yikes!: Fox is considering an “Ally McBeal” fashion line. “Yet another case of TV looking for good material.” (Perrotta)
The Butchered David Letterman list of Charlton Heston pickup lines:
* Want to break some commandments?
* Whoa--are you from the planet of the babes?
* You have the right to bear my children.
* I know a secluded spot in the woods where we can riddle each other with bullets.
* My films ain’t the only things that last three hours.
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