MR. SKINNER, MEET GINGER SPICE; MISS SPICE, MEET MR. SKINNER

The English songwriting/wisecracking team of Frank Skinner and David Baddiel is none too pleased with recent developments surrounding England’s World Cup preparations--notably, Coach Glenn Hoddle’s recent cutting of playmaking midfielder/cult hero/hooligan-in-waiting Paul Gascoigne.

Skinner is advising English fans to march on national team headquarters with torches and pitchforks. Baddiel, towing the P.C. line a little more closely, simply says, “We really have an idiot in charge.”

Of course, Skinner and Baddiel have reason to grouse. They penned the hugely popular “Three Lions” anthem for the English team in 1996 and recently updated the lyrics for a France 98 remix--predicting stardom and glory for Gascoigne.

Hell hath no fury like a World Cup songwriter with a hopeful Top 40 hit obsolete before the first ball is kicked.

PLEASE DO NOT ADJUST THE COLOR ON YOUR TELEVISION

How bland a team is Austria, which dresses, fittingly, in white jersey, plain black shorts and white socks?

From the Times of London, previewing Thursday’s Group B match between Austria and Cameroon:

“The Africans should be able to overcome an Austria side seemingly devoid of personalities. Has there ever been a European side in the World Cup finals of whom so little is known, or cared?”

Also from the Times: “Incessant viewing [of the Austrians] can addle your mind, so be grateful to Austria for the chance they provide to switch off your television set in the knowledge that you will not be missing out on any excitement.”