Dan the Man: “If Dan Quayle is...

Dan the Man: “If Dan Quayle is serious about running for president of the United States, he needs to go out and buy what will become his most valuable asset: a Speak & Spell.” (Andrew Wisot)

Fore: After Congress apologized to Bob Hope for announcing he died, the Associated Press said human error had activated his prepared obituary. “A reporter heard he was playing golf with Jerry Ford and just assumed he had gotten killed.” (Hamilton)

Hail Quayle: Dan Quayle is hinting that he’ll run for president, but as for a possible mate--”sources say he is pleased that Ginger Spice is now available.” (Wisot)

Shaggy D.C.: Hillary Clinton went to the doctor for her annual checkup. He took all the samples he needed and sent them to the lab. A week later, while traveling, she received an urgent message to call the doctor.

“What is it?” she asked.

“I have good news and great news,” the doctor said. “The good news is, you are perfectly healthy. The great news is that you are two months’ pregnant.”

Clinton nearly fainted. She thanked him, hung up, then pondered the difficulty of giving birth at her age, of raising an infant and spending the rest of her middle age taking care of another child. The more she thought about it, the angrier she got. She called her husband.

“Bill!” she shouted, when he answered the Oval Office phone. “You’ve really done it now, buster. You’ve gotten me pregnant.”

“Who is this?” he asked. (Argus Hamilton)

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The Butchered David Letterman:

Some other items reportedly found on Bob “Gilligan” Denver’s police record:

* Stealing from cash register during his shift at 7-Eleven.

* Grand theft hammock.

* Driving unregistered, uninsured bamboo car.

* Obscene phone calls to Jim Backus.

* Coconut-fondling.

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