Punch Lines

Call Waiting: AT&T;, MCI, Sprint and 30 foreign long-distance companies plan to build an undersea fiber-optic cable system. “But the project may take awhile. Somebody in each country will have to stay around between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. for the installer.” (Mark Wheeler)

Cryptic Krypton: DC Comics is reviving Superman’s old outfit. “I never understood Superman’s clothes. We all got used to the fact that he wears his underpants over the leotard. But why do his underpants have a belt on them?” (Jay Leno)

Di Update: Princess Diana’s bodyguard is remembering more about the crash that killed Diana and two others. “It’s amazing what time, psychologists and potential book deals can do.” (Daily Scoop)

Saddam and Gomorrah: The U.S. is exploring options for getting rid of Saddam Hussein. “So far, there are three plans: Assassinate him, overthrow and imprison him, or give him a series on CBS.” (Jerry Perisho)

Pipe Dream: New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani wants to crack down on rudeness. His plan calls for teaching cabbies to be more polite, sensitivity training for city employees, “and stiff penalties for anyone found to be carrying a concealed middle finger.” (Bill Maher)

Pipe Dream II: Giuliani is also closing the city’s strip clubs. “So, now, if you want a lap dance on the East Coast, you have to go to the Oval Office.” (David Letterman)

Listen to This: New research says the inner ears of lesbians are less sensitive than those of heterosexual women and more like men’s ears. “Does this mean that they don’t listen, either?” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Quayle Season: Dan Quayle recently had his appendix removed. “It’s a useless organ that serves no particular purpose, but it seems like a shame to break up a matched set.” (Argus Hamilton)

Virtual Joke: The makers of electronic virtual pet toys are now selling virtual lovers. The devices receive virtual flowers, virtual gifts and virtual phone messages. “After 37 dates, it receives a virtual subpoena from a virtual prosecutor.” (Steve Voldseth)


The Edited David Letterman:

The top 10 new tourist slogans for New York . . .

8. We break more laws by 9 a.m. than most cities do all day.

4. We love to grope and it shows.


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