Punch Lines

Sticker Shock: Rolls-Royce is selling its first totally new car in 18 years for $216,000. "Sounds like a lot, but that does include the Grey Poupon. Also, the car is so luxurious that when you have an accident, instead of an airbag, a little pillow comes out with a mint on it." (Jay Leno)

Merge Ahead: Budget Rent-A-Car is buying Ryder Truck Rentals for $250 million. "But in order to move all that office furniture, Ryder will have to rent some extra trucks from U-Haul." (Bob Mills)

Yo Quiero Dinero: You know that cute Chihuahua in the Taco Bell ads? He was rescued from a dog pound before being put to sleep. "So I guess either way he would've wound up at Taco Bell." (Leno)

Bam! Pow! Two senators are mad that the government is using tax money to close-caption "The Jerry Springer Show." "But how much can it cost? Every other word is bleeped." (Paul Steinberg)

Games People Play: "The Price Is Right" had its 5,000th show. "Bill Clinton loves the show because it's his perfect fantasy: beautiful women in bikinis opening refrigerators." (David Letterman)

Mi NASA Es Su NASA: NASA has named its first female Space Shuttle commander. "Under her watch, shuttle delays will be different. She'll stop the countdown a number of times to be sure the stove is turned off, the door is locked." (Steinberg)

I Brake for Bagpipes: A study says antilock brakes killed more people than they saved in 1996--"and are almost as ineffective as those anti-Loch Ness Monster brakes developed in Scotland a few years ago." (Mills)

Cyber Plague: The Michelangelo computer virus is spread by sharing programs and data. "To protect yourself, beware of geeks bearing disks." (Gary Easley)


The Butchered David Letterman:

Top 10 least popular children's books:

10. "The Little Intern That Could"

8. "Green Eggs and Anthrax"

6. "Curious George Watches the Pamela Lee Video"

4. "The Grinch Who Stole to Support His Crack Habit"

1. "The Hardy Boys Investigate Each Other"


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