Punch Lines

Televised Fights: "I had an odd thing happen. I went to a hockey game yesterday and a 'Jerry Springer Show' broke out." (Jay Leno)

Lost in Space: The space shuttle Atlantis is in the garage for a $70-million upgrade. Among the improvements being made to the 13-year-old craft are installation of a new satellite-based navigational system, new docking hardware . . . "and a CD player to replace the old 8-track." (Olympia Daily World)

A Sucker Born Every Minute: A new lollipop is on sale. When you put it in your mouth it plays a voice inside your head that only you can hear. "The sucker is available in three flavors--Postal Worker, Unabomber and Ross Perot." (Argus Hamilton)

Where There's a Will: Copies of Princess Di's last will and testament are now on sale to the public. "Let's hope those rumors that Elton John plans to add a few rhymes and sing the will are just that." (Bob Mills)

Drive-By Heart Attack: "In sad news, the old lady rapper in 'The Wedding Singer' was gunned down by members of a rival senior-citizen home." (Daily Scoop)

Rap Sheet: Rap singer Shawn Thomas was jailed because of anti-police lyrics on an upcoming album. "Thomas claims the lyrics were planted on his record by Mark Fuhrman." (Paul Ecker)

Mile-High Birth: A baby was delivered on a recent Southwest Airlines flight. "The baby is doing OK, but complained about a lack of leg room." (Alex Kaseberg)

Terms of Impeachment: Reports say Bill Clinton once gave Monica Lewinsky a copy of "Leaves of Grass" by Walt Whitman. "According to friends, her favorite Whitman poem begins, 'There once was an intern named Monica. . . .' " (Mills)

Clinton II: "To prepare for his presidential role in 'Primary Colors,' John Travolta put on 24 pounds and continually cheated on his wife during filming." (Bob Shannon)

R.I.P.: The inventor of Chiclets recently passed away at age 101. "He was buried in a little cardboard box with a cellophane window." (Leno)


The Tape-Delayed David Letterman:

Top 10 ways to make New York City a nice place to live . . .

8. Replace jarring ambulance sirens with recording of "MMMBop."

2. Hookers who "just want to cuddle."


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