Punch Lines

Unagroper: After remaining mostly silent, feminists are slowly voicing opposition to President Clinton’s alleged sexual escapades. “Patricia Ireland even announced that NOW will be renamed

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Unakiller: Jack Kevorkian now claims 100 assisted suicides. “You’d think he would be satisfied, but Kevorkian says he won’t stop until he beats ‘Titanic.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

Forget-Me-Nots: A University of Florida study says women have better memories than men. “Or was it that men have better memories than women?” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Sinking Feeling: “Titanic” will be shown in China next month. “But the film is being reworked slightly for Chinese audiences: Instead of hitting an iceberg, the ship is sunk by a single karate chop from Jackie Chan.” (Bill Williams)

Campaign Update: Al Gore has quietly begun his 2000 presidential race with a plan to seek Latino votes through TV ads. “His brain trust spent all day Saturday trying to train the Taco Bell Chihuahua to say, ‘Yo Quiero Al Gore.’ ” (Argus Hamilton)

Pothead: “I tried some of that new hemp shampoo. Now my hair is not only clean and soft, but has a street value of $1.2 million.” (Gary Moore)

Rodan vs. Ross: Scientists have found new fossil evidence supporting a theory that birds evolved from dinosaurs. “Archeologists in Texas also found a pot of gold buried near Ross Perot’s house, bolstering their theory that he evolved from leprechauns.” (Sostrin)

Human Xeroxing: Twenty-five states are currently considering anticloning legislation. “The bills are easy to follow. They’re all identical.” (Jerry Perisho)

R.I.P.: The inventor of the La-Z-Boy recliner died this week at 90. “Friends had planned a huge service in his honor, but they just couldn’t get off their butts to go.” (Jay Leno)

Snake Snack: A boa constrictor that ate a neighbor’s dog was reunited with its owner. “But apparently the reptile hasn’t been rehabilitated. Its first words were, ‘Yo quiero Chihuahua.’ ” (Joseph A. Monfiletto)

Hit Me, I’m Irish: “St. Patrick’s Day in Dublin was a disaster this year. Town officials made an ill-fated decision to turn all of the city’s traffic lights green for the day.” (Tom Boozan)

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