Punch Lines

The ABCs of Sex: Mary Kay LeTourneau, the Seattle teacher who is reportedly pregnant for a second time by a former student, has authorized a book about herself. “It’ll be called ‘Everything I Needed to Know About Sex, I Learned From a Kindergartner.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

A Male Pill: Scientists have devised a birth control pill that lowers sperm count. “The pills are chewable and come in the shape of Richard Simmons.” (Jay Leno)

Meals on Wheels: A Baltimore businessman is opening a chain of theme restaurants called Crash Cafes. “Or as Amtrak calls them, ‘dining cars.’ ” (Voldseth)

Hoop Action: Two Fresno State basketball players were arrested last week, accused of armed robbery and assault. “It’s March madness. The top two games over the weekend were Kentucky vs. UCLA and the People vs. Fresno State.” (Argus Hamilton)

El Nin~o Update: A freak blizzard in Israel dropped 8 inches of snow on Jerusalem last week. “The untimely storm is being blamed on El Nin~o’s Jewish cousin, El Schlomo.” (Premiere Radio)

Fidelity: President Clinton is reinstating direct flights to and from Cuba. “This will help both countries. Cuba will get much-needed food and medicines. The U.S. receives much-needed starting pitchers and switch-hitting shortstops.” (Jerry Perisho)

Infidelity: Republicans want a House committee to look at Kenneth Starr’s evidence. They say they’re not interested in prying into the president’s sex life. “Right. And they also read Playboy just for the articles.” (Hamilton)

Infidelity II: A CNN poll says 49% of Americans think the media shouldn’t cover sexual allegations about Clinton. “It’s so bad that 87% wish O.J. would kill somebody else.” (Bill Maher)

Body Double: A New York man bought a car at a police auction, went home and found a dead body handcuffed in the trunk. “Actually it isn’t that bad. This week, he can use the carpool lane.” (Leno)

Labor Pains: The Screen Actors Guild may go on strike. “One ominous sign: The actors are reportedly well into their second week of picket-line rehearsals.” (Bob Mills)

School Daze: New York’s Board of Education voted to require school uniforms. “The kids already have guns; might as well give them uniforms too. The whole Army thing.” (Leno)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.