smart aleck

The question March 15: Procter & Gamble’s much-touted fat-free Olestra chips are coming to the market this month. What other inventive food products would you like to see on the grocery shelves?

Husked, pre-buttered corn on the cob. Pizza containing Novacaine to prevent mouth pain. Ice cream containing maple syrup to stop drips.

Marc Kessler,

Los Angeles

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Wrinkle-removing chocolate.

Barbara Johnston,

Monrovia

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Single men as a commodity on the marriage market should wear labels “commitment-induced” or not. This would alleviate heart disease in women among the dating shelves.

Marcia Austin,

Sierra Madre

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A fat-free anti-diarrhea product that tastes like potato chips to counteract the effects of Olestra.

Containers such as cereal boxes or milk cartons that have tiny weights built into them. Consumers would benefit from the exertion used to move containers.

B.G. Merson,

Beverly Hills

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Diabetics need treats and snacks too! Millions of diabetics--not only adults, but especially children--desperately need sugarless cookies and candies. Diabetic children deserve beautiful Easter-basket bunnies and candies.

Gerry Matsushima,

Alta Loma

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I would like to find in a Health Nut Cafe a low-fat veggie burger that doesn’t taste like a low-fat veggie burger.

Walt Hopmans,

Santa Barbara

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What the world needs is an appetite-appeasing, nonfattening, chocolate-flavored snack that combats the Monday-morning back-to-work blahs.

Jerome Ehrlich,

Laguna Hills

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Given the gluttony of inert information in our culture, I propose a new product called Media Diet. Made from 1,200% pure integrity, this product would be lean in network television while maintaining the full-bodied taste of PBS.

Greg Vander-Haeghen,

Joshua Tree