Punch Lines

Borderline: A watchdog group criticized the Border Patrol for its latest method of stopping the influx of illegal immigrants. “The life-size cutouts of Barney blaring, ‘I love you,’ in Spanish just don’t seem to be working.” (Jerry Perisho)

Pentagon Toys: A survey says 60% of preteens believe Barbie would pay more income taxes than G.I. Joe. “However, 98% think she’d pay less than G.I. Joe for a bolt, hammer and toilet seat.” (Steve Voldseth)

Bubbagate: “While President Clinton toured Africa, the White House staff decided, for the interns, to bring in Charlie Sheen.” (David Letterman)

Bubba II: A Michigan couple set a record for the world’s longest kiss, locking lips for 29 hours without a break. “It would have lasted longer, but someone walked into the Oval Office without knocking.” (Paul Ecker)

Equal Time: Scientists say El Nin~o has slowed the Earth’s rotation by a fraction of a second, giving us a longer day--”and time to reflect on all the accomplishments of the independent counsel.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Taxes at Work: A California commission has raised the pay for elected officials, saying the increase is necessary to attract good people. “That’s what they promised last time.” (Gary Easley)

Elvis Impostors: In the past year, 214 people in Hong Kong have legally changed their name to Elvis Presley. “Upon hearing this, 214 other people changed their name to Col. Tom Parker so they could take 75% of the Elvises’ wages.” (Premiere Radio)

Simon Says: “Clinton visited Cape Town, South Africa, and hoped it wouldn’t give Paul Simon another bad idea for a musical.” (Russ Myers)

Going Ape: Joan Rivers says that during her recent safari trip in Africa, a monkey entered her tent as she slept and defecated on her head. “Micky Dolenz has apologized, saying it was dark and he thought he was in the men’s room.” (Premiere)

Belated Oscar Joke: “A record-tying 11 Oscars went to ‘Titanic,’ the heartwarming story of a young man trying to have sex before hypothermia sets in.” (Craig Kilborn)

*

The Shrunken David Letterman:

Top 10 advantages to being the smallest man on Earth. . . .

7. People stop you on the street and ask, “Aren’t you that dancin’ baby from ‘Ally McBeal’?”