Punch Lines

Shoot ‘Em Up: William J. Henderson has been named the new postmaster general. “Postal workers gave him a 21-gun salute.” (The Daily Scoop)

Girl Talk: Sporty Spice turned 22 this week. “Or as she calls it, ‘This many plus this many plus two.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

Countdown: An Andy Warhol self-portrait has fetched $2.42 million. “The European dealer who purchased it will only be allowed to keep it for 15 minutes.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Poker-Faced: Doing research for an upcoming movie, Matt Damon dropped $25,000 in the World Series of Poker. “He was shocked when they said he couldn’t do a retake.” (Gary Easley)

Gun-Ho: The Barbra Streisand Museum in San Francisco is closing its doors, auctioning memorabilia May 31. “The site will be occupied by the Charlton Heston Museum called Hello Gun Nut.” (Bob Mills)

Pretty Woman: “Don’t kid yourself, there’s a lot of pressure involved with the Miss Universe Pageant because, as you know, the winner goes on to be a White House intern.” (David Letterman)

Springer Zinger: Tabloid photographers caught Jerry Springer in bed with two guests on his show. “ABC offered to make it a sitcom called ‘Two Girls, a Guy and a Paparazzi.’ ” (Argus Hamilton)

Lawn Yawn: A professor at the University of Florida has invented a robotic lawn mower that automatically cuts your grass. “There’s only one glitch. It keeps putting off the chores to watch sports on TV.” (Premiere Radio)

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Viagraculture:

* “Godzilla” is promoted with the catchy slogan: “Size Does Matter.” “Watch for it about an hour after the monster pauses and swallows a Viagra pill.” (Jerry Perisho)

* Larry King says he does not need Viagra. “Yeah, he’s got his suspenders to keep him up.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

* “They’re putting Viagra in everything. Now it’s in a candy bar. Oh, oh, oh Henry.” (Jay Leno)

* Publishers are moving ahead with Viagra books they promise will never go soft cover. (LaLa Land Letter)

* About 72% of married women report they wouldn’t want their husbands to use Viagra. “They’re perfectly happy with the stud down the street.” (Bill Williams)

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