Punch Lines
Oh, Baby: Do you know what happened during this month in 1958? Singer Jerry Lee Lewis announced his marriage to his 13-year-old cousin. “And today, Woody Allen called him a pioneer.” (Jay Leno)
Hot Spot: “Now that summer is unofficially here, you can start wearing white--which means your chances of spilling mustard on yourself have increased dramatically.” (The Daily Scoop)
Holding Pattern: Ed’s wife is depressed and goes to see a psychiatrist. Ed waits outside until the session is over, and the doctor asks to see him. “Your wife is depressed due to lack of intimacy. I recommended that she have relations at least 10 times a month.” “Fair enough,” says Ed. “Put me down for two.” (Buzz Report)
Burst Bubbles: Soap opera star Susan Lucci failed to win an Emmy for her role as Erica in the daytime drama “All My Children.” It was her 18th loss. “Three more times and she gets to pitch for the Florida Marlins.” (Argus Hamilton)
Fat City: “To encourage President Clinton’s decision to visit China, Beijing will open four more McDonald’s.” (Will Couzin)
Happily Ever After: Bob went to visit Joe and Jane. He was amazed at the happy atmosphere in their house, at how sensitive Joe was to his wife’s feelings, at how Joe showered Jane with compliments and affection. Bob was inspired to do the same. He hurried home, hugged his wife, told her how much he loved her, asked about her day. To Bob’s surprise, she burst into tears. “Honey, what’s the matter?” he asked. “This day was awful,” she sobbed. “Billy fell off his bike and got hurt, my boss yelled at me, the washing machine broke and flooded, and now you come home drunk.” (Hamilton)
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“Godzilla,” playing nationwide, has caused competing studios to begin developing their own monster stories. Bob Mills got wind of some of the plots:
* “Monicazilla”: Lowly Washington intern infiltrates the highest levels of government, then starts walking on all fours after contact with giant lizard.
* “Sheenzilla”: Member of Hollywood brat pack takes steroids, grows as tall as self-image, terrorizes film community.
* “Starrzilla”: Crazed special prosecutor, drunk with power, clogs the entire sewer system of the nation’s capital with thousands of soggy, discarded subpoenas.
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