Laugh Lines

American Biographies: Francis Ford Coppola will write and direct a modernized version of the famous classic tale “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” “In the updated version, Dr. Jekyll is a crusading internist serving the poor for free during daylight hours, while Mr. Hyde is a heartless, money-grubbing, cost-cutting HMO executive at night.” (Bob Mills)

Road Raging: “A Pennzoil poll reveals what people do while stuck in traffic: 46% pass the time by reading, 35% talk to others, 23% talk to themselves, and a disturbing 10% talk to the other voices in their head.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Dressed to Spy: Last week, 100 people gathered in Washington to protest Ken Starr’s investigation of President Clinton. “It would have been more, but most people were off getting their blue dresses ready for Halloween.” (Premiere Radio)

Rhyme and Reason: The Rev. Jesse Jackson said he’s considering a run for president in 2000. “Actually what he said was, ‘It’ll be fun to run, but I have not begun.’ ” (Premiere)

Up, Up and a Waste: On its opening day, Milan’s new $1.1-billion Malpensa 2000 airport was plagued with delays from computer failures, human error, environmental protests and clueless employees. “And later today, a ceremony will be held to officially designate Milan and Denver sister cities.” (Joshua Sostrin)

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The David Letterman Top 10

Top 10 least popular Halloween candies:

10. Bit-O-Squirrel

9. Poisonettes

8. Good N’ Sweaty

7. Middlefinger

6. Della Reese’s Pieces

5. Clam Duds

4. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg

3. Gummy Marrow

2. Ken Starrburst

1. Osmond Joy

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