Let’s Ring In New Laws by Repealing 949 Area Code

Somebody must have spiked the coffee machine. Orange County supervisors went on a binge at their meeting last week and purged more than 240 local ordinances from the books. Let the Democrats win a couple local elections and look what happens.

The Board of Supervisors, which purportedly consists of five Republicans, said the ordinances were obsolete or unnecessary, then cited as an example a long-standing prohibition on feeding other people’s garbage to pigs.

Yeah, right. Real unnecessary.

That law is now out the window and as far as the board is concerned you can feed your neighbor’s garbage to every pig in town.

In its frenzy, the board also wiped out an ordinance requiring members of the Communist Party to register with the Sheriff’s Department.

So much for eternal vigilance.

That ordinance dated to the 1950s when the John Birch Society had a foothold here and when being a Trotskyite in Orange County got you a night in the pokey, thank you very much. Now, the law is kaputski, and--who knows?--the next thing they’ll do is repeal the one against Communists riding the rides at Knott’s Berry Farm or shopping at Fashion Island.

It’s probably a waste of my time this morning trying to convince you that the Commie threat in Orange County is still very much alive and well. If you don’t think so, you could check out the sales of Cuban cigars.

So, yes, I’m concerned that the board chipped away at the social order by expunging all those ordinances. If they have to throw out those laws, they could at least replace them with some others we need. For example:

* Repeal forthwith the new 949 area code and reimburse every adult in Orange County $50 for the inconveniences suffered since its inception last month.

* Empower any licensed driver to force to the roadside any other driver who leaves his or her blinker on for more than two miles. The citizen so empowered would be authorized to give a severe tongue-lashing to the offending driver, using as much ridicule and sarcasm as possible.

* Shut down Edison Field and cancel all remaining home games in any American League baseball season in which the Angels were in first place on Labor Day. By so doing, Angel fans would be spared needless torment.

* Ban people from walking dogs that do not possess the necessary social skills. The ordinance would define “necessary social skills” as including but not limited to “the ability to resist the temptation to growl menacingly, bare teeth and dart unexpectedly in an attack mode at pedestrians.”

* Limit the number of household items to be transported on the back of trucks to the actual capacity of the vehicle. In my 12-year Orange County driving experience, I have either run over or dodged an extension ladder, a pair of crutches, a screwdriver and a sofa.

* Prohibit Bob Dornan or any blood relative from attending Republican Party functions in which other Republicans are scheduled to share a podium and speaking time.

* Make it unlawful to walk instead of run on a health club treadmill. No fine would be levied but violators would be required to shower and dry themselves with a wet towel of another club member chosen at random by management.

* Prescribe 90 days in jail for anyone who can’t watch a movie without predicting out loud what’s about to happen or discussing it with the person next to them.

* Prohibit the gathering of more than two other persons within 50 feet of the No. 1 tee box from which a weekend golfer is about to tee off.

* Reduce from the current 99 to 70 the percentage of Orange County streets and freeways that may be under repair on any given day.

* Require that all employees of the Orange County Sheriff’s Department register with the Communist Party.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com