LAUGH LINES

Raising the Bar: David E. Kendall, Bill Clinton’s attorney, sat on a briefcase while questioning Ken Starr during the House Judiciary Committee inquiry last week. “The guys from the White House figure they’ll try anything to elevate the president’s position.” (LaMonte Laments)

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Speaking of Starr: “If he hadn’t gone into law, he would have had a very successful career as the diarrhea guy in those TV commercials.” (Jay Leno)

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And What Say You, Dave?: “The Ken Starr trial was so dull, in order to keep people in the hearing room interested, they had to show the trailer for the new ‘Star Wars’ movie.” (David Letterman)

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Fatties: A new study reveals that half of all adults in the Southland are overweight. “Even the cast of ‘Baywatch’ has porked up. In fact, they’re running in such slow motion now that episodes are going 10 minutes over.” (Joshua Sostrin)

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Washington Update: The elephant and the donkey have long served to represent the two major political parties. But “editorial cartoonists will soon use updated symbols: a money bag for the Republicans and a dirt bag for the Democrats.” (Laments)

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Speaking of Politics: Ted Turner says he is going to run for the presidency in 2000 “so he can colorize the Republican party and animate Al Gore.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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And Speaking of Ted: It’s reported that 79% of Americans believe the media distort the facts, 71% think the mainstream media have sunk to the level of tabloids, and 67% believe the media have the same or lower moral standards than Clinton. “So what is Turner waiting for? He’s a shoo-in!” (W.T. Horn)

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Meanwhile, in Hollywood: Woody Allen examines the pitfalls of being a celebrity in his new movie. “Life is so unfair to him. It seems every time he elopes with a stepdaughter, the press paints him as some kind of monster or something.” (Argus Hamilton)

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