Punch Lines

Guess Who?: A lot of folks will go trick-or-treating as Linda Tripp this Halloween. “All they need is a blond wig, an oversized muumuu and a Mister Ed mask, and they can secretly record and blackmail anyone who doesn’t give out enough candy.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Leaving D.C.: President Clinton’s chief of staff announced he’s stepping down as the exodus of officials from the administration continues. “It’s gotten so bad that Clinton has called up California border guards to patrol the White House perimeter to prevent more officials from emigrating.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Remember Him?: On this date in 1992, Ross Perot’s half-hour infomercials drew a larger TV audience than “Seinfeld.” “Viewers had the choice between watching a self-absorbed character whose show was about nothing . . . or ‘Seinfeld.’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

Hear This: President Clinton was refitted for hearing aids over the weekend. “Due to the indiscretions of youth, he has hearing problems. First, there was the Whitewater hearing, then campaign finance hearings and now impeachment hearings.” (Argus Hamilton)

Mistaken Identity: Vice President Al Gore attended the funeral of former Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley. “He sat in the front row and for once, everyone didn’t mistake him for the corpse.” (Hamilton)

A Better View: Howard Stern was stunned when he received his Nielsen ratings. “The figures indicate that between 11:30 and 12:30 Saturday night, more Americans were watching the window in their clothes dryer.” (Bob Mills)

On the Dime: Sprint is offering cellular phone rates for as low as 10 cents a minute. “Those interested in signing up will receive two soup cans and 10,000 feet of fishing line.” (David Christensen)

Bare It All: The Supreme Court has declared that a locality can ban topless female dancers and still allow topless males because there is a different reaction to male and female chests. “Well, I guess that proves that they don’t spend all their time together in those robes.” (Gary Easley)

It’s You!: Janet Jackson finally spent some time with her brother Michael and his son, Prince. “Janet hasn’t been avoiding Michael. She just didn’t recognize him.” (Premiere Radio)

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