Missing Out on the Thousand Oaks Experience

I don’t mind admitting to feeling a little bit ticked off at Thousand Oaks. I mean, the town is always winning these awards. One day it’s being called America’s Most Livable City, the next America’s Safest City. Now, according to a survey in the November issue of Ladies Home Journal, Thousand Oaks is the seventh-best place for a woman to live.

Ventura, where I have lived for the past 38 years, didn’t even crack the top 200. Oxnard, the city with the un-euphonious name that Johnny Carson used to love to lampoon, came in at 168. Santa Clarita made the list and I think it’s only been a city for 20 minutes. Actually, I thought it was a freeway.

Even Topeka, Kan., edged us out. I once lived near Topeka, which is the reason I moved to Ventura.

I have been to Thousand Oaks. Some of my best friends are women who live in Thousand Oaks. But I don’t see the appeal. It doesn’t even have a real downtown, unless maybe it’s Dupar’s.

Although its women are as nice as can be, I never thought of them as leading the seventh-best lives in the United States. Ninth- or 10th-best lives, maybe.

This survey gave Thousand Oaks high marks for what it thinks women want: a low crime rate, good schools, good pay and job opportunities, little sexual harassment on the jobs they get, low stress and good child care. The survey looked at women’s weight and exercise habits and even compiled a “romance index” based on the number of handkerchief movies rented at the video store.

I’m not saying women don’t want these things. But I still say there’s more to life than being able to get on the treadmill at the gym without waiting and having lots of extra copies of “Gone With the Wind” on the shelves at Blockbuster. Still, I wondered if I might be missing something. So the other morning, as my husband sat at the dinette set reading an article on lug nuts, I said, “I think we’d better move to Thousand Oaks.”

He looked up from his pamphlet.

“Why? Ventura’s not so bad,” he said.

“This study in the Ladies Home Journal ranks Thousand Oaks one of the best places in America for women, that’s why,” I countered.

“Couldn’t you just drive down there every so often? It’s not that far,” he suggested.

“No. I think reaping the benefits takes more than visiting,” I explained. “I think it requires immersing myself in the entire Thousand Oaks experience, whatever that is. For instance, according to the study, I would probably earn more money just by living in Thousand Oaks. Bosses in Thousand Oaks pay women well.”

He nodded. “For you, anything would be an improvement,” he said.

“And because of this ‘safe city’ business, I’d probably exhibit fewer criminal tendencies,” I said. “That by itself is reason enough to move.”

“It’s definitely a plus,” he agreed.

“And I’d actually lose weight as a Thousand Oaks resident--apparently those women really stay fit. According to the study, ‘Thousand Oaks women may be America’s most shapely.’ That’s on page 214.”

He cocked his head. “That’s interesting,” he said.

A thought occurred to me as I pondered my cellulite and sagging pectorals. If Thousand Oaks had the secret to keeping its women fit, then, by inference, Ventura must be purposely ignoring my needs. I wondered if a person could sue over cellulite neglect.

“Aw, what’s the use,” I said, tossing the article aside in frustration. “Ventura should have made the list. We’ve got everything a person could want, good water quality and crystal clear cable reception. Maybe if we changed our name to ‘Two Trees,’ the judges would be more impressed.”

“Do I detect a sour grape or two?” my husband asked from his dinette chair.

“Not possible,” I barked. “Just because Thousand Oaks has all these shapely, moneyed, healthy, happy, safe women? . . . Well, maybe one or two grapes over that ‘most shapely’ part.

“Say, this survey even places Thousand Oaks in fifth place in the ‘Affordable Fashion’ category. Now, honey, this statistic cries out for more research--I’d better drive down tomorrow to verify that claim,” I said in a scientific tone.

Unfortunately, I am married to a cynic.

“Do you mean to say you’re the type of person who’d move to another city merely for its shopping opportunities?” He raised his eyebrows.

“Of course not,” I shot back. “At least, not for that alone. I haven’t mentioned the last and maybe best reason we should move there. Thousand Oaks scores very, very high in the ‘Presence of Women in Government’ category. If we moved there, I could run for City Council.”

“Not,” he said.