Punch Lines

Star Collateral: James Brolin has received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. “If Brolin and Barbra Streisand divorce, he has to personally pry it up with a crowbar as part of his prenuptial agreement.” (Andy Gram)

In-Depth Investigations: In a special “Nightline,” Ted Koppel spent 12 hours in a federal prison’s solitary confinement ward. “Apparently, he was trying to simulate the conditions of President Clinton’s vacation.” (Conan O’Brien)

Playing Dirty: There’s an off-Broadway musical coming about Princess Diana. “The show hasn’t opened yet, but somehow the Star and the National Enquirer already have some dirt on it.” (Andrew Wisot)

Van Damme Bloopers: Jean-Claude Van Damme confessed that until last year, he was addicted to cocaine and was high in all movies he’s appeared in. “That’s a relief. For years I thought he was just a bad actor.” (Ira Lawson)

A Decaf Subscription: Starbucks is supposedly starting its own magazine. “Oh, come on, after buying their coffee who can afford a magazine?” (Dennis Miller)

Sweeping Success: The National Enquirer is supposedly getting its own TV show. “Finally, something worthwhile to watch.” (Miller)

Something in Common: President Clinton ended his two-day summit with Russian President Boris Yeltsin this week. The two spent most of their time talking about democratic reform and then moved on to more important things, like all the new Moscow Hooters restaurants. (Mark Efman)

Film at 11: PAX-TV, a new cable TV network, is promising viewers 24-hour-a-day programming that is free of explicit sex, senseless violence and foul language. “In other words, no 6 o’clock news.: (Steve Voldseth)

Feeling Cheeky: A Brazilian swimsuit company is coming out with a line of men’s swimwear with a picture of Jesus printed on them. Well, that certainly brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Turn the other cheek.” (Voldseth)

Listen Up: Nearly 400,000 people are expected to view the Vincent van Gogh exhibit at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C. “Critics agree the show has all the earmarks of success.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

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