Off-Kilter

Weird Polls Department: In our continuing quest to leave no public-opinion poll question unasked, we bring you a Boating magazine survey that says 13% of boat owners wouldn’t jump overboard to save their spouses. However, 25% would dive in to save a hat. And 66% think women who like powerboats are prettier than women who like sailboats.

Another key finding: 28% of boaters say they would buy a cologne named after a fish.

When Alcohol and Dromedaries Mix: A 36-year-old Australian man has been charged with drunk driving while aboard a camel, according to the Internet news service https://www.tabloid.net. OK, but we want to know how police spotted the guy. Was the camel weaving? Did the officer notice an open container on the back hump? And did police conduct a field sobriety test on the camel too?

Wisdom of Solomon Department: What to do about President Clinton? Some say impeachment is too harsh, others insist censure is a joke. With no compromise in sight, it could take months for Congress to sift through Kenneth Starr’s 445-page report and voluminous supporting materials, which include grand jury transcripts, telephone logs, DNA reports, charts, photos and possibly a kitchen sink.

Therefore, as a public service, Off-Kilter offers the following compromise resolution to put this matter behind us: “In honor of the recent 20th anniversary of the movie ‘Animal House,’ President Clinton is hereby placed on ‘double-secret probation.’ ”

Lunatic Fringe Department: A psychotherapist from Yonkers, N.Y., claims that the way you channel surf may reveal your personality. For example, people who flip quickly from station to station are afraid of intimacy and have difficulty making commitments. Those who alternate between a few favorite channels are boring, closed-minded and probably have sex in only one position. Finally, remote-controllers who frequently tune in to the Weather Channel have turbulent personalities and tend to create stormy relationships.

Meanwhile, a Los Angeles therapist claims that TV remote controls can be used to teach table manners to children.

Which raises an important question: Would you jump overboard to save a remote control?

Grass Isn’t Always Greener Department: Next time you think your job stinks, consider the career of Paul S. Martin, a University of Arizona professor who has spent 41 years studying ancient sloth dung.

Alarming Trends Bureau: Two more reasons to flee civilization: Christopher Cross is releasing a new album, and the Titanic Historical Society has licensed a Trivial Pursuit-style game about the famous sunken ship.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Story: John Glenn won’t be returning from his upcoming space shuttle mission, says the Weekly World News. Instead, the Ohio senator plans to “rejoin the alien mother ship he left behind in 1943.”

“I’m going home,” says the former astronaut, who was one of six U.S. senators to be branded as a space alien in a 1992 issue of WWN.

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Tucson Daily Citizen, A.J. Flick