LAUGH LINES

Ready, Aim, Fire: The NATO attacks on Yugoslavia continue. “If they don’t get things straightened out in the Balkans pretty soon, President Clinton may have to do something he’s never done before; he may have to actually use a sex scandal now to cover up a war.” (David Letterman)

Behind the Scenes: Ian McKellen brought Monica Lewinsky with him to the London premiere of “Gods and Monsters.” “Monica, Monica, Monica. Still going after the unattainable men?” (Daily Scoop)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Fidel Castro baseball jeers:

10. “Get a raft!”

9. “My team may defect--but your team has defects!”

8. “Our players could beat you even if losing didn’t mean certain death.”

7. “Years of indoor plumbing have made you Americans soft and weak.”

4. “No batter, no batter, and no bat since Russia stopped sending aid.”

3. “I’m not paying you $6 a year to strike out.”

2. “You call that catching? I catch more in my beard while I’m eating.”

1. “You throw like a capitalist girl.”

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